I never thought I would make it past the first day without being able to see my husband, but six months have passed.
I miss him so very much, at times, I start to turn to tell him something, or lean toward his side of the bed to touch his back and then I remember…he’s not there.
The firsts are so very hard. You know the first holiday, birthday, family outing. They are so hard all of those firsts.

The First Time

By Dr. Dorothy Brock Holtslander
Copyright 2009

November 5th was oh so lonely as I thought
Of not baking your birthday cake
The kids and I went to the river and released
Balloons with messages to you.
In my mind’s eye, I could see you smile
At the little cat stickers Sara had sent
To her daddy
“LOOK” she cried as an eagle flew right past
the blue balloon she had sent to you
it circled the balloons over and over, but never touched them
you see, that eagle knew they were for you


We watched as they rode on the wind up to the sky
Until they were so high
That we lost sight of them
But still, there we stood looking up
Watching, I don’t know what
Then Sean said “Mom, it’s time to go.”
I took their hands and we walked up the hill
Never looking back
This was the first, first
We knew that Thanksgiving, and Christmas
were right around the corner, then New Years.
They were all hard, those firsts
But the hardest of all was February 19th.
The first anniversary without you.
I did not go to work
I stayed home and sang all of your favorite hymns.
I watched your favorite movie, and I wrote you a story.
In it we lived happily ever after.
(It was a true story)
Time has passed, and still I miss you.
I love you

I have moved into our first home without you
But the strange thing is, you are still here
I see you in our children’s smiles, I see you in their eyes.
I feel you with every beat of my heart
I love you still.

The first Easter was yesterday. I sat in your seat at church
I heard the hymn I last sang to you
On the night that you went home.
I cried.
I love you still
The pain has lessened
The joy of Easter is the rebirth, the new life that we are all promised
I sat in church, listening to the word
He Lives, He lives, He lives, He lives!
My tears became smiles, my joy was real
You live with Him!
Oh Joy!
Oh Glory!
I will see you again!
My heart goes on. My life goes on!
My joy goes on!
Another first! Not sadness, but joy, hope and peace.
I love you