Beyond Trivial Pursuits

I’m tired of feeling as if I do
Not matter in the least bit,
Corresponding to my
Overcompensation, loving,
No holds barred, giving up, and in,
So in the end
Everyone feels good, and
Quite rightly so, considering the
Undying attention and affection! --
--Everyone but me, that is, and so
Now is the time for a reminder
To my self, of the core need
In all of us, to feel loved,
And I will begin with self-
Love, first, beyond all else.

....in·con·se·quen·tial: adj: Lacking importance. Not following from premises or evidence; illogical.
n. A triviality.

...Just a play with words today. 'Had been thinking how, in several (too many to count) past experiences, I have picked up the phone, or called out for help, hurt, otherwise injured, and quite honestly at one point, "bleeding out."

Many times, because I have chosen to isolate myself pretty well, over the years, the person I  ultimately call, ends up being a person who "is not there," or cannot, by any respect of the words, "be there for me."

During one of these said experiences, some years ago, the person I called was not in, and I had to leave a message, an aborted cry for help, a meek, "Please just have them call."

Ultimately, I never heard back from this person for days.  When I did finally hear back from this person, the delay was fleshed out as having been caused by a phone message that said, indeed, I had called --but the reason for the call was deemed "inconsequential" on the message pad of life, and so the person I had called just figured to call back ... whenever the heck it seemed pleasing to them.

There is much to be said about handling everything on your own, much to be said about survival and ultimate strength, but by the same token all this personal sacrifice does not translate to the fact that when you really, reallly need someone, they will be there.

Just because you've gone through years and years of whatever bullcrap, without the anesthetic aid of a kindred spirit, or someone to keep your place, doesn't mean that, when you finally!!! call, anyone will be around to answer. No one will be saying to themselves, "Wow, like, Man!  She never asks for help, this must be something big!"

The fact remains, in your own life, you have to be something "big," every day, and don't be afraid to cry out loud, for crying out loud!!!! ... or you will suffer through as The Girl/Boy Who Never Cried Wolf, Who Finally Did, And Was Met With Silence, not a fun fable, not a fun life's lesson, by any means.

Take care all ... of you, first.  Check the "emergency numbers" on your phone pad.  Do you have anybody listed besides, of course, 9-1-1?  I don't, and actually I would find myself hesitating to call 9-1-1, wondering if my problem even qualified as an emergency.  If you think like I do, perhaps you have been doing, as I have, a considerable amount of self-evaluation of late.  Good luck with that!  You go, Girl or Boy! ...whatever the case may be.  And those giant sticks?  They belong around gardens, to stake off healthy growth!

-a

 p.s.#2 ... None of this artwork is ever mine, and so I owe many thanks to the masses (dead and alive) for the different artforms I've "cut and pasted" with my poetry over the years.  However, just as soon as I get some of my new work scanned, I hope to use it now and then to complement my written work.  There is one large piece I'll be working on most of the summer that I think will be the best medicine my heart has ever taken, and I hope to post that image at summer's end as my pièce de ré·sis·tance  ... or as I call it, the "piece that will make you piss your pants!"