go eat dinner,
at her house,
talk for hours,
make plans,
go fishing,
and if you loved me at all,
don't ever make her piss her pants in fear,
don't lie to her,
to or about those she loves,
who despite this, will love
you, new bruised or used,
unconditionally,
as she does,
as she sees
right through you.

don't f*** her
up the ass
with your brown thumb,
be-stating it green,
all good and all that,
nobody is lying,
nobody is leaving,
but all the houseplants are dying
the blinds remain closed
and no one ever gets out of bed
to see daylight.

this would mean the world to me,
you showing someone else
the world you say i ignored,
wholly discrediting now,
am turning away from
and into
something
or someone else.

quit trying to recognize me
when i can't hear you.

this won't hurt as much
as my not achieving the same with you.

that's how much i gave two shits
how hard i love,
and what i believe
you are capable of,
as a man i think protests too much,
who is worthy, then, of just rewards,
up front, if you could
just be
all that
up front.

quit beating me up
because you didn't
get "it" with me.

quit telling me i discredit
the new you
beyond the you i knew.

don't tell me i can't see
how close we were.

stop accusing me of
un-choosing you
so far after the facts,
those that existed
and those never given
in the first or second place.

i know how close we were
and i know how close i was
to the abyss,
loving you
and kissing
and hugging
and holding on
to thin air
and all that was not.

i remember
the quiet
of lies,
the things never said,
but still i bled,
direct hit,
f***ed up heart
to blistering head.

just quit ripping on me.
this kind of new-improved asshole,
i don't need,
not that bad
not this late
not this far down
a thin blue line.

live your life
with beautiful
educated women
named whatever
living wherever the heck,
embracing all that,
hell long gone,
sent off in a handbasket
with yet another hand maiden
gone yesterday,
i am.

let these women, this one woman
be all that
with eggs that won't blight
when your sperm bites.

let her
find you worthy,
and don’t tell me twice over,
what i already know and knew
about the new you
as opposed to the old.

we are too far after the fact.

as alanis would say, in paraphrase
(and everyone thinks that song is angry but it's not)
... i hope she cooks
and fishes
and dreams (in color),
screams red,
and practices medicine
(inside and out),
all of this and more,
all of this, like she f***s!
beyond rapture and all reason.

i hope she is,
for your sake and hers,
a passion puss
you can appreciate.
and i hope she will
go down on you,
go down with you
to and at the movies,
because this is what you deserve,
and when you realize that,
as i am trying to realize my self,
you will have what you have waited for,
so long,
and maybe you will realize,
finally,
we were not even close.