a short fiction story in the form of poetry

Chapter Seven
3:00 am

i dream of you
for the short time that i sleep
i see you the way you were
i see you at sixteen
when we met
i see you at seventeen
when you left
i see you at eighteen
when you came back
but i cannot see you now
the you that you are
the you that sleeps next to me
i cannot see that you
your face is in shadow
you smile
i cannot perceive your smile
and in my dream
i cry
because the you now
the you in my bed
that is who i need
but in my dream
my dream you does not want me

you went to detroit
i went insane
soon after you left
my attitude began to change
my style
my personality
all of it bad
my parents didn't approve
but they know kids
and their phases
mine wasn't a phase
up until the first time
i attempted suicide
they didn't worry
afterwards
they took me to the doctors
those damn doctors
these doctors found little monsters in me
monsters in the form of
personality disorders
we were all surprised
we thought i was ok
but these little things inside me
ate me up
chased each other through my mind
driving me close to insanity
close to death
we finally realized what 13 years
under my mother’s care did to me
and when you left
when you dropped that last straw
i broke under the weight of it all
i became unstable
i didn't know what to do

they put me on medication
i became a false version of happy
but there were still bad times
i resented having to take my drugs
resented the fact
that without them
i felt dead
with them i felt surreal
it was a lose lose situation
and i figured i wouldn't mind
losing my life
i attempted suicide
two more times
you tried your hardest to visit
but your mother kept you away
you only came once
just the once
in the whole year you were gone
i saw you once
the false happiness lingered
faded into depression
and pulled back into relief
as the blood spilled from my body
but i was always found out
always saved
and i resented everyone for it
and loved everyone for it
i was so confused

i can feel that the bed beside me
is cold, empty
my light is still on
but i don't open my eyes
i lie here in the memory of it all
wait for your return
i can feel the brick on my chest
the burning in my ears
but i can’t cry
i have to be brave
no
not brave, this is not bravery
but i can’t cry
that is all i know for sure