Having had the audacity {you have the option to substitute a different term:)} to enter this poem in competition, I am posting it for a limited time. Y'all are so good to give feedback. . .and to be perfectly honest, I feel this is among my better efforts. Always hope! <3 Pea <3
You stand before you fall
on the scrubbed white square
you call your kitchen.
Behind on the rent, of course.
Why you take in ironing
and keep this child
whose mother gallivants.
Starved yellow sun peeks
through bite-size windows
you curtained off white
by hanging rags along string
from a ball saved knot by knot.
White flour, white table,
white sheets you have piled
in a basket you call bicker.
Other color cinnamon
For snails! the child thinks.
Then you will wash my hair.
I love that flour whitens
the apron beneath your face.
Round cracked glasses shine
on you. We are not going to think
what can happen. Not
when we have cinnamon
and butter from next door.
Sugar-sugar-sugar for the top.
We are going to have milk
with our snails on the porch
where it feels just right.
(c) Phyllis Jean {Dawson} Green
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Reviews of "just another Mouse poem {temp'y post}"
Phyllis, this is just great. It was like watching it happening. You have a way of letting a story tell itself that really appeals to me. I don't remember reading anything of yours that didn't make me feel this way. Thank you for sharing it with us.
(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in tx., karen lynn. :D
Reviewed by Kate Clifford (Reader)
Reviewed on June 22, 2004
Loved the flow in this one!
Reviewed by Debashish Haar (Reader)
Reviewed on June 22, 2004
BRILLIANT beginning, Phyllis since you wanted honest criticism...I would suggest you to work on flow and avoid using too many periods, instead put connectives in between that builds up momentum gradually...relax the pace a bit towards the end...
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(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in tx., karen lynn. :D
Debashish