Some days I wonder...

Some days I wonder when the tide will change
If there is some way life can be rearranged
There used to be the days filled with goodness
Now every day I pray for His assuredness

Every morning when I wake, I smile and pray for this day
To be more peaceful, I want so much to laugh and play
Then the phone rings; with no good news to spread
It's been like this forever, it's another mountain that I dread

The days, the weeks, the years have mounted
When joys were many and life was well worth counted
It seems that many days my chest fills heavy with lead
While I keep smiling, forcing myself not to go to bed

On the surface I am bold, with many wonders left to be told
Yet now I see only day to day, and it isn't because I am old
Once upon a time I knew that life was mine to conquer
I lived it full and well, and when it rained, I found shelter

What happened to those times when I could laugh
While those I loved knew my life was lived on their behalf
I fight each day with smiles and courage, or what matters
As I look around my world, every drop is torn and tattered

Not that I feel sorry for myself, at least I hope not
The fighter in me, won't lie still, I stand again, without
Why do I keep trying, my heart and head ask so often
Someday I pray that the answer will somehow soften

Why does my chest hurt til the pain seeps thru my being
Will today bring something nice to overshadow leaving
Depression hurts, this I know, but this is something else
It's more like life has bruised and beaten, lost is self

Pretending things will change is now unreasonable it seems
To think that living right and giving love would soon bring
The same in kind, but that is not how life deals its sting
Don't know if there is left that drop of want it can't sing

To put the words to paper cannot fill the void I say
Just praying that in some way, it lifts me, so I will stay
Bold and Brave, yet empty and spent
Wonder what this lifes purpose even meant