Beyond speculation, this personal insight with its ragged descriptions...
These current scribbles provided to
Describe a dive into the sea of deep depression:
I guess it’s about half past suicide.
The past a fierce foe.
Dawn’s awareness,
Sunlight to see the straw,
The scarecrow with its wicked grin,
Accompanied by a flock of boisterous crows.
Mine was a life of swing shifts
And random side trips;
Blazing down that shady lane,
Trying to find a way out,
Hard headed for that thick brick wall.
Yeah, I was in those funny pages,
Hovering over self destruction.
Drinking in the dissolution,
Guns, blades, alcohol, and drugs,
Forever playing with matches.
Worthless and unwanted, the words
Forever dancing, dancing,
Spinning around and around in my brain.
Inflammatory information meticulously
Sifted from the burnt out ruins of countless nightmares
And as many psychotropic,
(Or were they psychotic?)
Daydreams.
Midnight crashes,
Frayed power chords,
Burning ashes,
It’s important to make it look
Like an accident, you know,
Too simple not to get it right,
Yet more afraid of
Letting down my own children
Than any God I’ve ever known.
More than passion’s fury,
This masochistic state!
Stronger than reality.
No lover could compete!
This necromantic romance,
This succubus embrace,
This innocent blush of death,
This allure of siren’s aria,
This toxic kiss, so sweet.
A loser’s future,
Penned in this outrageous script.
This play in which
The villain might actually
Get away with it!
Mainly pain and disappointment, though.
She is… or, at least, she was…
Rage against the self!
Rage against the seed!
Rage against injustice!
Rage against authority!
But this was more than anger!
More than attitude!
This darkness like no other,
This edge of cliff on which I stood.
“Analyze away,” I said.
Blame it all on father’s habits,
Box up the bad memories, the familial shame.
Blame it all on frigid Mom,
Theological mistrust and antisocial everything!
Blame it all on circumstance.
Just tell me that I’m not insane!
Was I insane?
And some would proffer,
Time will heal.
And some would offer improved mental health
Via potions and pills.
And some would
Note the recent breakthroughs in genetic coding,
Scientifically peeling back the layers,
Scanning through the onion rings,
Only to reveal the hidden truth beneath,
This chemistry,
This true blood,
Uncovering the markers of the doomed
And the damned.
One more reason
To make it all go away.
Make it go away!
Make it go away! I say,
Just let me get some sleep!
Put me on a boat of burning wood.
Let the waves wash up… and over me.
Some might call it weakness,
A tipping point most precarious,
A personality disorder, a troubled mind,
Or perhaps, a cerebral birth defect.
But observation seems to indicate:
Each one of us has had, at least, one reason,
On, at least, one occasion
When suicide seemed to fill an urgent need,
A permanent means to disengage
From some bitter stint of pain or grief.
The brevity of the negativity,
However, is in the tell of mercy’s favor.
Yet we have all considered the possibility,
Haven’t we!?
Whether demon induced
Or born upon the whims of aristocratic boredom,
The dragon’s blaze
Makes for many a dire calamity.
And it is crazy now,
Here upon the higher rungs
That I could glimpse this from a distance;
What had for so long asserted its control,
Fighting me for my own sanity,
Questioning my very existence!
Taking away any semblance of
Peace, hope, or dignity,
Detouring good common sense.
But I seem to have survived,
More or less…
And from this height any man can see
There is no face to suicide,
No eyes to stare,
No lips to speak.
And yet the message
Over and over and over and over again:
Would it be any worse if it didn’t matter?
And how could that make any sense to anyone but me?
I have not become courageous.
I have not found sanctuary in any worldly way.
Which makes me stop and wonder
How could I have let this thing do so much damage?
So much damage!
In this old age,
My natural end within spitting distance,
There wouldn’t be much point to it,
This taking of a life in hand.
Things get better.
Things get worse.
It is important for me to make this point,
It is critical to note what I,
I have finally come to understand:
What I have said and I will say again:
It’s nothing new…
The wheel is always turning,
Change is the only constant,
And life… life is the experience!
If you’re thinking about suicide
Talk to someone!
Everyone has something to offer.
Life and the chance to love again,
Are the only things that truly matter!
People stigmatize Suicide so much that it keeps people from seeking help. I think if more people were open and honest about it, maybe some one who is constantly struggling with Suicide ideation on a daily basis would actually reach out for help. Its still so hush hush, better not talk about it. . Still happening when a family member does it. I struggled, tried twice, but it took awhile to get that out of my head. It took work on my part. To me it was just easier to die than to deal with all the grief and pain because that crap is hard and I still deal with it. Thank you for sharing and being open and honest and please continue. This is not just going on in young people it happens in the ages from 11 - 80 . Go to putting a face to Suicide Facebook page, you'll see such a variety hear what their families say, they don't "look " like they would do such a thing, but pain is subjective, which even doctors forget. I could go on. Sorry.
To ground such thoughts in poetic form is not the easiest task for a writer, but many have tried. You've succeeded in exploring such a downward spin and shown there's always alternatives, but one has to be open, or look for them, or... Well, many have been there and are still breathing so one can trust the odds...for the most part. Well penned.
As usual, you are capable of writing an epic poem on a subject you are passionate about. It is poems like this that are all the more reason that you should forge on and continue to write as long as you can. The world needs insights like these.
While I have spent very little time contemplating suicide in my life, it is obvious you have spent a great deal of time what you have written here. It is only recently, when I see the expense and hardship on others of my maintenance into old age and possibility of the living hell of the hospital or nursing home, that I have considered euthanasia rather than suicide as an option.
I raged against life for 35 years mostly through the perfect clarity of alcohol. I left a trail of broken promises and broken dreams. None can be resurrected. There is no epiphany from such darkness. If we are lucky someone utters the redeeming words "I love you." And that, as you have also noted, is life's second chance. Take it.
Okay, this is good, Michael. Very good. I have had suicide on my mind for many decades. Unless I am so handicapped I will be incapable of it I will never allow them to shove me in one of those damn pits of hell known as nursing homes. Nope. Not me. I'll go out in my own way, not their way.
A wake-up call in poetic form. Much needed! Most of us have been on both sides. As teens the percentage of attempted suicide is staggering. Then cultural wise the Japanese have one of the highest rates. As a teen I tempted to hurt myself out of anger. I quickly grew up knowing that was not the answer. However, over the years I tried to convince others to think twice about family and friends before doing something stupid. We have a mentoring program in our church and one of my mentors is dealing with his mentee who was recently divorced and is on the edge. As the coordinator of the program I have to make calls and seek professional help when folks in our flock get on the verge of suicide. It's awareness and showing folks that we care about one another that seems to help the most. Thinking that the whole world is against you is not a good place to be. Thank you for writing this!
Such an insightful piece! We have certainly all considered the possibility, in some form, at some time or another. Some of us more than others. All of those words, the labels they use, are just to identify varying degrees of the same thing ...Lost ...and afraid that things will only get worse. But, as you say, the wheel is always turning.
Rx
You have penned a very dark poem. All those emotions are shared by many of us. However, suicide is NOT the key to solve anything, it is for the weak. Sure, it seems to be the easiest way out, but we are not designed to be that way. Our lives are gifted by God, and should be treasured preciously. I've had lots of ups and downs in life, but suicide has never entered my mind. Thank God for that!!! No one says life would be easy. If we think we're having it bad, just take a look around us, you will find many are even worse off than us. We should count our blessings that each time when an obstacle is fought off by us. In life ...failure and success go hand in hand. When we failed we get up and get started again. When we succeed in something we feel happy because we've compared that success with our failure. When we can solve a road block or a problem we are successful. Being successful comes in many forms. Some only count others success by how big their houses are, how expensive their cars are, or how much money they make; I rate my success in how good i have become as a person who had fought off all the obstacles in my life, and how good my husband is to me, and how good are our children are to us. I consider myself rather successful, because I have a good job that pays well. Finance is not a problem even at of this stage. No problems whatsoever. I'm glad I have come so far from when I started working when I was 15. My skill in computer has helped me through all these years.
I think each one of us is good at something, there is no wasted people in this world, we need to reach into ourselves to find our true talent and true value. Back at home in Hong Kong I've never known my true value, was considered not too bright by family and relatives. However when I came to Canada, I have merged into the world of technology, my teacher praised me for my work, other students came to me for advice. I have found my true talents and my true value when I stepped into Canada. Have never been happier once I've landed a well-paying job with the Canadian government. My mom and Dad was totally surprised I landed that job. So whoever think less of themselves can really sit down and reach into themselves and find their true talents. Everyone has it within. I totally refuse to sit in darkness!!!!
Inspirational poetry, written from the heart and soul. Verses that are well-suited for reading on a rainy day and that are guaranteed to bring a smile to your face.
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a bit of compassion, maybe.
well written psychotically query ...
While I have spent very little time contemplating suicide in my life, it is obvious you have spent a great deal of time what you have written here. It is only recently, when I see the expense and hardship on others of my maintenance into old age and possibility of the living hell of the hospital or nursing home, that I have considered euthanasia rather than suicide as an option.
Ron
Rx
I think each one of us is good at something, there is no wasted people in this world, we need to reach into ourselves to find our true talent and true value. Back at home in Hong Kong I've never known my true value, was considered not too bright by family and relatives. However when I came to Canada, I have merged into the world of technology, my teacher praised me for my work, other students came to me for advice. I have found my true talents and my true value when I stepped into Canada. Have never been happier once I've landed a well-paying job with the Canadian government. My mom and Dad was totally surprised I landed that job. So whoever think less of themselves can really sit down and reach into themselves and find their true talents. Everyone has it within. I totally refuse to sit in darkness!!!!
Sandie