The In Between

I walked through Heaven's Gates
noticing that St. Peter offered me no greeting--
did not recognize me;
not giving me the slightest glance.

I walked through checkpoint after checkpoint
bathed in light
but opaque
more presence than me,
consumed with curiosity about what lay beyond;
beyond Heavens Gate-in heaven unseen.

There were lights and sprites, visions and presences
protuberances and quivering entities--
all there and not there--
around me
but none spoke
as I proceeded invisibily.

Is God's domain heavenly
or a way-point to Limbo,
Hell's Vestibule
or Sacred Angel Space?
Why was I here unseen?

The strong light weakened my eyes
until I could only hear voices
but could not see as I groped lost,
listening,
hearing
until
I felt the force of transport,

suddenly
hovering above
an edifice
being floated inside
where I materialized
before a still brighter light
which contained the face of
what I thought must be God
whose horrible shimmering
near blinded me
and I had to avert my gaze
falling to my knees
for it was not only the light
but I  also felt the sheer power of a presence
which humbled me
in an overwhelming
mix of tears and bliss
of fear, of reckoning
of joy trembling
homecoming and isolation
emergence and remembered regressions
trangressions and moral stances
stabbing regrets.

All this in a blinking.

It was too much for me,
my mind blanked
I could not think
beyond a then steady-rising euphoria;
my body becoming bodiless
and ether-like
I rose on a soft breeze
quivering in my soul
gradually rushing through a dark

hole and landing
back on my bed;
my body
remembering
he who touched me
without touching me
he who moved his hand
over me
returned my heart to me.

And now,
I lay prone
shaking
feeling the weight of me
on the bed
discharged from the dream;
Abandoned
to Reality:
Not ready for heaven,
not sinful enough for Hell;

still here on Earth
unreconciled,
in the In-Between.