Ninety-nine animal heads on the wall,

each one endangered, not one of them small.

Lions and rhinos and even a gnu;

an albino tiger! I blasted him, too.

That albatross there flew some marvelous flights,

till he came in too low and I shot out his lights.

Cheetahs like that one run faster than trains;

I aimed from a chopper to blow out his brains.

Now zebras ain't anything specially hot,

but I shotgunned sixteen, and I left them to rot.

That antelope there took a long time to die,

though I shattered his skull with a slug through the eye.

My anti-tank ammo soon finished that buff,

when hollow-point magnums weren't deadly enough.

My round caught that Thompson's gazelle in mid-leap,

and I gut-shot her fawn when I found it asleep.

I drilled that gorilla from out of a truck,

but I missed his two pals. (Damn, what miserable luck!)

Then down at the river I stood on a dock,

and shot forty holes in that saltwater croc.

I only hunt trophies, don't bother with trash.

Check out that baboon! Boy, I settled his hash.

Those elephant tusks are my favorite prize:

The bull they belonged to was world-record size.

An oryx, an ibex, a hyrax or seven;

killing things truly is macho-man heaven.

Bullets and gunpowder sure make my day.

Keep that Sierra Club out of my way!

Nothing can come between "Sweetie" and me.

(Don't mean my wife but my rifle, y'see.)

With her I'll never feel sad or depressed.

In me, my Sweetie brings out all the best.

Ninety-nine animal heads on the wall.

Gosh, how I love it when I see them fall.

What did you call me? A "murderous fool"?

My feelings are hurt. That's so thoughtless and cruel!

LW