Memories
 

You are the love of my life
You are embedded in my heart
I see you in my mind’s eye
Your smile pushes away the pain, holding it at bay for a moment in time
Memories flood my mind
The good ones comfort me and make me smile
The painful ones open like a morning glory opens its blossom to the rising sun
Exposing my raw, ravaged wounds
Many, many more are the good ones
Yet the painful ones have so much more power
They roil and bubble below the surface, pushing against the good
Swallowing the good, they erupt and implode
Crippling me
Doubling me over
Filling me with an agony that has no boundaries
My life has been shattered
I stand in the rubble of my world as I knew it
I cling to a conscious awareness of the fleeting, but very real blessings of my life with you
Joy
Laughter
Tenderness
Strength
Desire
Connection
Love unending
Enjoyment
Peace
Safety
Trust
So much more
Yet I am crushed by the weight of “never again”
Darkness descends
Never again a touch
Never again a kiss
Never again a look in your eyes, a word spoken
Together is gone
Alone
Empty
Adrift
Forced to live without you
Clinging to my memories
Drowning
Sinking into the muck and mire of this reality
I hunger for you
I crave your presence
I cry out to you
I forget you are gone
Then I remember
A wail rises up from deep inside
Once again my heart breaks
This pain is a living thing
Consuming me
Constricting my breath
Robbing me of my joy
Stealing away my dreams
Years stretch endlessly before me
Day by day
Every day
Hours unfold
Minutes slide by
I cope
I function
I experience pleasure
I laugh
I remember our life together and it fills me with thanksgiving
Yet the pain never dissipates
I descend into darkness once again
I let a whimper escape from my lips
Then a moan
A sob
I weep
I can feel it coming
I try to stop it
Jaw clenched
Hands fisted
I back into a corner
Curled up
Knees to chest
Holding myself
Rocking
You are no longer here to hold me
Comfort me
Reassure me
Share with me
I tremble
My teeth start to chatter
The cold comes from somewhere inside of me
An icy dagger
The pressure within builds
It tears at me
Ripping away the little control I have
I shriek
I keen
My lamentation becomes the only way I can honor you
Express my deep and abiding love for you
How do I go on?
Find new purpose?
Continue my journey without your physical presence?
There are no answers
I breathe
I step
I move
I keep going
Breath by breath
Step by step
Movement by movement
I keep going
Alone
Without my partner
Without my lifelong companion
Without the hard and fast knowledge that you would always be there for me
Searching for a new normal
Learning to accept that my pain has become my new companion
Learning to recognize that pain coexists with joy
Pain coexists with laughter
Pain coexists with tenderness, strength, desire, and connection
Love unending, enjoyment, peace, safety, and trust
I am searching
I am watching
I am listening
For direction
For reassurance
For hope
That you will continue to be my companion
My spirit connected to yours
Learning to live in this new reality
Understanding that you will continue to be a part of my life
Delighting in and celebrating the infinite number of memories I have of your love for me
Our life together, when two became one, in this physical realm
And now, spirit to spirit