(formerly 'ode to you') the one i never thought i'd be with... that i never will be with...

i talked to you tonight
for the first time in weeks
and the tone you gave me
was much like the tone i have heard before
from a boy to a girl who has hurt him
killed his heart
cheated and lied
but still she wants to be with this boy

i didnt hurt you
i didnt cheat and i certianly have not lied
but still you give me this tone
you never answer your phone when i call
so i blocked my number
and you heard my voice
and yours changed
and for that
i am through

you knew plenty of things before that night
the night, or morning, you asked to stay
the morning that
before we fell asleep
you asked if you could kiss me
you knew plenty

you knew about all the other guys
the ones who used me a threw me away
about the way my heart hurts
when people like my best friend
and instead, settle for me
about my rule, set in place
for my own preservation
how i will not break that rule
you knew it all

and when you asked to kiss me
several things went through my head
the loudest thought was
'you accept what i am'
so i let you

and we had two great nights
mornings
sleeping together
talking
fooling around.
having a great time

and then
i broke my rule for you
you said it was all up to me
and it was
we broke that rule together
because i saw something happening
i was retarted for you
after only three days
that never happens to me
three days

and you turn around
you say you are scared
'scared of what?' i ask now
'of being happy?'
but i dont say this to your face
you are avoiding me

you told me you didnt want to hurt me
well, f***er, you hurt me
hurt me much more than you probably planned
but i can tell you why it hurt so bad
because you made me a promise
and you broke it the instant it was made

and now i wished i had never met you
never gone to denny's that night
and when i think about you
my chest hurts
and i want to scream in your face
tell you that you are stupid
but i cant
you wont speak to me

so here i am
hating you
forgetting about you
or trying to
it hurts to remember the day of the post office fiasco
the way you sleep
how you call me 'kiddo'
'the ref'

we had a history in only three days
and you burned that library down
we had a connection
but you chopped down all the phone lines
and i am left
trying to stay happy
am i?
i'm not sure
'if i dont let myself be happy now then when? if not now when?'

the last line is a lyric from a jimmy eat world song that for some reason makes me think of the person i just wrote about. because he told me how happy he was with me. and then told me he didn't want to be with me. he chose unhappiness over happiness and that confuses me.