No Real Intimacy

oh, yes, it's been
almost twenty years now
since your birthday
the big twenty-one
when laughter prevailed
and emotion ended.

not that you were directly
involved, oh, no,
you were young in spirit, not wise
to those who loved you,
who wanted you,
though you often smiled
at our distress.

some thought, bitterly, that
time might soothe the edge
of pain, or would allow
new lovers, new deep
feelings, but
this hope was not
for me.

twenty years ago was the end
of intimacy, and no
wedding night would
change me,
or my feelings,
for you.

and so I live,
each day a screen of shadows
whose memory laughs
at folly, mine,
for a long and twenty years.