Scars of redemption

 ‘All that glitters is not gold’ she always heard this idiom but never quite understood it till now. There is no such thing as a perfect story. Man by virtue of his nature is flawed and flawed he shall remain till he returns to what he rose from.
Callie had seen many things in life and pitied a few from afar. The thing about feeling sorry for others is you never quite put yourself in their shoes, you only show concern because everyone else expects you to. She was no different until life decided otherwise.
Her life is perfect. Notice the present tense. It’s not a typo or mockery; it’s a cruel twist of fate. She had everything the world deemed necessary but she was still broken. At the age of 25, she had a successful career, understanding parents, loving siblings and an integral group of friends. You still don’t see it do you? Where’s the chink in the armor? What is so broken inside of her and why? Well, not every ‘where’ is meant to be seen, not every ‘why’ is meant to be answered and not everybody needs a reason to be broken.
To the world, she had a life people wished they had, a mind people hoped to possess and a beauty that caught their envious stares every time. Day in and day out people gave her compliments.
“Such a sweet child, making her parents proud”

“You have everything darling; you must be the happiest person alive”

“What’s it feel like to live your dreams?”

“With luck like yours what could ever be wrong with your life?”
Little did they know that their complements were daggers that stabbed her from the inside and made her feel guilty for not being the perfect prodigy. They prepare you for external adversaries, forgetting that the mind can be a callous enemy that can cripple you from the inside. Water can’t sink a ship till it gets inside it. That holds true for humans too. People’s words can’t maul you unless you let them in.
Her life was a masquerade ball and she was a master of disguise. She kept it all hidden because acceptance was a privilege she was denied by society long ago. That doesn’t mean the cracks fill up with time or the band aids don’t fall off on bad days. They do. The façade tumbled as soon she entered her room. The second she crossed the threshold and the lock slid in place, she used to grab her favorite toys and gave in to the abyss of her mind.
Repeating to herself over and over again as the blade kissed her skin. “My life is perfect. I need to be punished for being so ungrateful”.  She had no right to feel like that, no right to feel like she was living a borrowed life, no right to feel hampered for keeping up appearances, no right to breakdown and scream at the top of her lungs just to let it all out. And since she had no right to show her real self, she concealed it behind her smile and let her demons come out to play only behind closed doors.
She was never a fan of jewelry. The only ornaments that ever adorned her skin were the bleeding caresses of her beautiful blade. The blood understood that it had to flow to cleanse her of this impurity. And her tears knew they had to fall because that’s the only release allowed. Every slash was a souvenir, every scar a relic. Her body was a museum exhibiting the mangled and mutilated thinking of the very society she hid from.Like every other day, this particular day was no different. Mask in place, Smile on point, she drove to work but the voices wouldn’t quieten down that day. It had been a long while since she let them out and they were getting restless. The last cuts were almost healed but the multiple scars on her arms and legs were evidence of how imperfect she really was.
Adam, her boss was in his office sipping his usual Americano, when she arrived. He gave her a courteous smile and beckoned her to his office. In haste she put down the files in her hand and almost ran into his office, so as not to keep him waiting.  After the initial pleasantries he asked her to take a seat and took a deep breathe.
“I saw you in the copy room last Friday…” he said.
He was still talking but she wasn’t listening anymore. The ground seemed to disappear and her mind went into overdrive. He was on his feet now too, taking calculated strides towards her and still saying something that her mind was too hazy to comprehend.  Finally he grabbed her arm to stop her from backing up against the chair, falling and hurting herself as she continued to walk in reverse.
“Stop please! Hear me out” he said as his eyes zeroed in on the cuts on her arm that were revealed because of her incessant struggle. “These…did you do this?”
She didn’t know if it was surprise that left him speechless or he was horrified into silence. He let her go immediately and instead ran a hand through his hair. The sign of nervousness didn’t go unnoticed by her. She knew that look, and had seen it in the eyes of an 8 year old girl who had walked in on her a lifetime ago. She retreated all the while aware of the man in front of her, who now viewed her in an altogether different light.
“We can get you help…” he began “you are too beautiful a person to hurt yourself like this”
She had heard these words before. Help, hurt, beautiful, all these words meant they would try and fix her. And that was the problem, she didn’t need it. The only beautiful thing she saw in herself were the scars and they all had tried to take them away from her and Adam, she knew was no different.
She hadn’t realized Adam was standing next to her, while she was having a monologue in her head. He steered her gently towards the mirror in his office and stared at her through it.
“Look at me Callie, you are smart and hardworking. You have been working for me for 5 years now and I have had no complaints.” He turned her around to face her.
She was still looking at him apprehensively. He was saying all the right words, the perfect script. She was experiencing a serious case of déjà vu. The last time someone had said those words to her, she had ended up in therapy and her record had to be retracted in order to save the family the embarrassment.
“Whatever happened last Friday won’t change your position here, nobody has to know.” Her silence made him think he was getting to her. He couldn’t have been more wrong. She was two steps ahead of him. This time she won’t let her family down. She turned around to face the mirror again and gave him a weak smile.
“Thank you. I know it was a slip up and I am getting help. You don’t have to worry about me.”
He gave her a nod and then putting the matter to rest he dismissed her. The minute she was out of sight he exhaled not knowing he had been holding his breath. He didn’t know what he felt, surprise was on top of the list but pity was close second. Suspecting something and having it confirmed are two dissimilar things and he realized the difference just then. As denial gave way to acceptance he too became a victim of mainstream thinking.
Callie made her way to her office, she felt as though people stared at her as if they knew her secret too. Adam knew now and he won’t ever look at her the same again. She was all too familiar with the change in demeanor and conversation pattern that followed. In her office she glanced at the mirror again. “You are too beautiful to hurt yourself like this” his words echoed in her head as she loathed the girl in the mirror. That girl was the reason everybody, who knew, tried to fix her. She was so damn perfect and flawed at the same time, a paradox in itself.
All of a sudden she found herself angry at that girl in the mirror. She had taken away the one thing that she needed, to keep up appearances. The mask she worked so hard to maintain had fallen and some punishments were due. Astute mind hard at work as she closed the bathroom door, her next step already planned. And so the blade worked silently and meticulously. First the legs were adorned in a red coat of shame then the wrists wore bangles of hatred and self-loathing. The hatred ran deep and as the self-loathing began to flow her anger ebbed and was replaced by a calm she was addicted to. Today only one girl gets to walk out she had said. But her overdose managed to kill them both.  She had everything in life they had said. They didn’t know it was death she craved for after all.
Another Callie bit the dust because she was tired of the temporary fixes this world had to offer. The very people that envied her fate never realized all good things are blemished.  False beliefs and unrealistic expectations drove her to embrace a permanent cure instead.