A late night talk show host brings a real live vampire onto his show, despite the danger.
Good evening, folks, and welcome to the Really Really Late Show. I’m Jack Nippet. Hey, folks, we’ve got a heck of a treat for you tonight. How about a drum roll, Carl? Tonight we’ve got – ready for this – The Interview with A Vampire.
That’s right, folks. We have a real vampire who’s agreed to come on our show and be interviewed and believe me this is not only an exclusive, it’s a first on cable TV or on any other TV. You can trust me on that. Of course he only agreed because the show’s at night and because he loves the show, right? Right? Let’s hear it, folks. Thank you. You can shut up now.
Ok, so without further ado – and you folks in the audience might want to tighten your collars because you know what I mean and you folks at home are perfectly safe – so without further ado, please give a warm-blooded – get it? - a warm-blooded welcome to Vladimir Velakofski!
[Applause and some nervous whispering as a tall, thin young man dressed in black enters.]
Welcome to the Really Really Late Show. Vladimir – can I call you Vladimir? – have a seat right over there. Yeah, a little further over there if you don’t mind. Heh heh.
So Vladimir. How does it feel to be on TV?
Vladimir: Uhm, good.
Good? Did you hear that, folks? It feels good to Vladimir that he’s on TV. Not great. Not exhilarating. Not nervous. Is he a regular guy or what?
So Vladimir, tell me. Is it lonely being a vampire, what with, you know, everything?
Vladimir: No.
Let me just check something here. You speak English, right? Do you want I should bring out a Transylvanian translator? I suppose you’d call that a Transylvator, right, folks? Heh heh.
Vladimir: Yes, I speak English. I’ve lived in Milwaukee for 155 years.
Folks, you heard it here first. Vladimir, the vampire, speaks English and – and I emphasize “and” – he’s lived in Milwaukee for … Huh, how many years?
Vladimir: 155. It’ll be 156 in August.
Folks, I don’t know about you but to me nobody in their right mind would live in Milwaukee for 155 years. I don’t care if you’re, you know, whatever. Still, Milwaukee. 155? That was when the Braves were still there, wasn’t it, Carl? Can you check that for me?
So, Vladimir, what do you do in Milwaukee for fun? I mean besides going out to eat, if you know what I mean, which I think you do. Wink, wink.
Vladimir: I bowl on Thursday.
Dear God, he bowls on Thursday – you don’t mind if I use the “g” word? It doesn’t make you melt or something? Dare I ask about Monday through Wednesday and then Friday through Sunday? Don’t tell me you go to church on Sunday?
Vladimir: I’m sort of limited to nighttime activities.
Speaking of nighttime, I think the audience would be interested to hear about how you get it on with other creatures of the night, I mean like ladies of the night, you know what I mean, like Morticia Adams. You can tell us the truth here. This could be Pulitzer Prize material, so don’t hold back. The censors have all gone home or are probably sleeping at the switch.
Vladimir: Are you asking if I have a girlfriend?
I’m asking if you have wild affairs with wicked ladies dressed all in black and suck each others’ blood and do other unimaginable things.
Vladimir: I have a girlfriend Phyllis. We go steady. I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings.
Let me get this straight. You’d rip open the throat of an innocent young virgin in the dead of night in a deserted cemetery, drink her blood, and turn her into a creature of hell but you don’t want to hurt Phyllis’s feeling? Am I hearing this right?
Vladimir: I haven’t really done the throat ripping thing for about 400 years.
Look at him, folks. He doesn’t look a day over 25. Baby face. Vladimir, pal, I’m not the kind of guy to tell people how to live there lives – am I, Carl? Ha, no raise for you this decade. I’m not the kind of guy to tell other people what to do but you are a vampire. As politically incorrect as it might be in lots of circles, you drink people’s blood. By definition. Otherwise you’re not a vampire. You’re a Lithuanian or Baptist.
Vladimir: I drink blood from the blood bank. It’s donated.
How about that, folks. The blood bank. The First Federal Drainings and Groan Association of Milwaukee. Is it just me, folks, or is this vampire turning out to be the most boring guest ever to be interviewed on TV? Maybe we should have had Phyllis on instead, huh, Vladimir? She could have done a little strip show for us…
Vladimir: I’d rather you didn’t bring Phyllis into this.
…and maybe she could have shared some stories of what it’s like to do the nasty with a creature of the dark. No blood sucking. No virgin defiling. No magic powers. I don’t know why Phyllis would stay with a loser like you, Vladimir.
Vladimir: Please, I’d rather not…
Yeah, you’d rather not. I bet Phyllis would rather not, with you. Maybe she would rather with me, huh, Carl? Heh heh. Eh?? Hunnnnh?!
[Jack’s eyes bulge. He grasps at his throat, choking. He tries to speak but nothing comes out. Somehow, darkly, he knows his voice is gone permanently and his career is over. He runs off stage, trying to scream but not able to.]
The title is vaguely familiar. ;-) I grew up in central Wisconsin so I fully understand the reference to Milwaukee, home of Lawrence (Larry) Welk and other notables like Liberace and Houdini. The list is endless and the brats and beer continue to flow.
Back to the story. I found it quite worthy of being called, "Humor." That was a surprise at the end. Because I didn't know that vampires were now branching out into magical powers as well as bloodsucking seductions. And, just who was Phyllis, anyway?
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