Kindle Edition Amazon Cutts Books Cutts Books Category:  Humor Publisher: CreateSpace ISBN-10:  1300580186 Type: Fiction Pages: 250 Copyright: Dec. 30, 2012 ISBN-13: 9781300580188 Price: $4.99 (eBook) A tongue in cheek detective novel inspired by the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for the "opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels." Until the day Jane Hamchester walked into his squalid office, the highlight of Detective Sam Barlow's life had been a particularly good tuna sandwich. Now he is charged with trying to save the life of the only woman he ever, uhm, thought was really swell. His only problem is that there are no clues, other than the nonsensical utterances of a dying man. Barlow's desperate search takes him first to Scotland and then to the Aegean. But time is running out. Not only for Jane but for the human race. Barlow's only possible hope lies at the bottom of an ancient cavern, a remnant from the time when a different kind of human populated the Earth, a kind of human that could have saved mankind. Alas, they are long extinct. Or are they?          Excerpt The village was little more than a gaggle of shops and a few dreary pubs in which pasty-faced Scots downed yard-arms of dark beer and danced with piano-legged matrons. Except there was a dirt road that led up a tall hill, and on top of that hill, a castle that might have been the home of Robert Bruce. MacDermott pointed hillward with his middle finger and said, "Thar’s yer wee karstie, lad" or something to that effect. "I’ll wait here far ye." Barlow followed the small dirt path that led upward from the edge of the village. At the top of the hill, he faced the castle. Panting and sweating like a rhinoceros in a sauna, he approached the door. There was a huge gothic knocker carved from ram’s horn, and stained with soot or puke—it was hard to say in these parts. It took both his hands to lift the knocker. It made a dull thud on a door that sounded like it was three feet thick. The door opened slowly and with an ominous creaking. A face appeared. Or was it? Could it be that that nasty apparition with the psychotically twisted mouth, the black beady eyes, the wildly disheveled hair, the thin line of spittle running down the chin and the face that looked like it hadn’t been washed in months was actually his own reflection? Yes, in fact he realized that whoever had opened the door was holding up a mirror. "Ye’re aaalriddy here, ye see. Gae awa’ nu!" The door slammed shut again but not before Barlow caught a glimpse of a very short plump figure swathed in skirts. Barlow sighed. That was the stupidest brush off he had seen in his too many to count years in the business. Why bother with the mirror trick? Why not just slam the door or not open it at all or just open it and say go away or open it wearing a mask? Clever tricks he could admire. The trap door in the pavement in front of the main door. The electric shock in the door bell. Even the poisoned hand shake. But a mirror?? He had the feeling it was going to be a real long day. Well, why not fight inanity with inanity, he thought, not quite knowing what he meant. He banged the huge knocker again and shouted, "Her Majesty’s Royal Infantry 20,000 strong and armed to the teeth requesting your appearance under pain of … very painful things!" The door opened a crack and a small, round pinkish face at about his chest level peeked out and looked left and right. "Ye’re bloofin’," she said.

Review 1
Dashiell Hammet meets Edgar Rice Burroughs meets Woody Allen, and that's just the first page. Death by Haggis starts in the world of pulp fiction parody and winds off into the hinterlands of what can only be called the who-knows-where of who-knows-what. Cutts is a funny, funny writer. Buy this book and hunker down with a strong cup of brew and a roll of duct tape to keep your ass from laughing itself off.

About the author
Jay Cutts is the author of numerous funny things that have mostly never seen the light of day. Here is your big chance. Jay is also the author of Barron's LSAT Prep Book and Barron's MCAT Prep Book. These books aren't funny in the slightest but you won't care if you need to get into law or medical school.

Prepare to be Amused - by Richard Wolkomir
This slapstick fantasy/mystery is a hoot--it starts like an S.J. Perelman screenplay for the Marx Brothers, with a Woody Allen booster shot. Amid verbal pyrotechnics, we meet a New York private eye (slightly dim) and his client, Jane, who asks: who's trying to kill me? Pianos fall. Grenades fly. Off our hero goes to the Scottish highlands. Little People. Thick Gaelic accents. Then it's Greece and the Aegean, where suspects swarm on the wine-dark seas. Evil twin sister. Secret agents, talking Eastern European. Mr. Big--totally mysterious. Also, a Polish housekeeper with, oddly, a Japanese accent. Duct tape used for evil. A snitch named Snitch. Cameras with built-in pistols. And, in the end? Surprise! Immediately followed by, you guessed it--Surprise!