What Is Man’s Most "Stress-Inducing" Invention?

Copyright: May 15, 2005

Tom Hyland

Some might say the Automobile! When it works (most of the time) it’s GREAT! But when it fails - LOOKOUT! Good old "Murphy’s Law" will have it malfunction right at the time you need it most - it’s freezing cold outside, snowing, and it won’t start - you’ll be late for work! Is it just the battery? Are the terminals corroded? Or low on water, ergo acid also? Maybe the starter went up? Perhaps the timing belt? Points? Plugs? Rotor? Distributor? Out of gas? Oh, Lord, why ME?

Sound familiar? While this choice may be true , it is not my choice! I offer a much more frequent, more aggravating, more upsetting, more downright "cause a person to cuss" totally exasperating invention - the "Ever-Lovin’ Mov-va" COMPUTER!!!

YEP! It seems that in today’s modern, high-tech society, we have become so DEPENDENT on this SUCKER that ADDICTION is more apropos as a descriptive term. When we get home from work in the evening, we just can’t wait to do what? See if we "GOT MAIL." You know, that really really important CRAP that all our puter-savvy friends and relatives have sent us! And then, after logging on, opening our Email and reading each and every little GEM, we are "champing at the bit" to do what next? FORWARD IT! Oh Boy! Oh Boy! Oh Boy! Isn’t this SO exciting? ... and FUN? ... and totally ASININE?

Then there’s that "other" thing that the blessed GOLDEN IDOL, the "grey box" calls us to WORSHIP - NET SURFING! Let’s be honest, each and every one of us has some ‘pet peeve" that we just HAVE to perform: SHOPPING? YES! Checking our last-minute bid on an item on Ebay? Going to Authors Den to see if anyone posted a Review, or Comment, or Message about one of our recently posted "Brain-Children." Or, maybe we are anxious to choose a newly released video on Netflix?

Well, besides these optional "online" functions, maybe we got a new idea burning in our brain, for a new poem, or article, or short story, and just MUST start writing "offline" before we lose it? Whether we use Corel WP, or MSN Word, or some other such wonderful word processing software, matters not. We select the appropriate folder, sub-folder, whatever - enter a new document, assign a name to this new file (ouch! You mean you forgot to do so?) And our little fingers start typing madly on the keyboard. OH BOY! The "juices" are really flowing! Perhaps several paragraphs, or stanzas, or maybe even pages have been entered. WOW - this is really GOOD!

Then, all of a sudden - "BING BAM! THANK YOU MA’AM" the friggin’ thing LOCKS UP, or CRASHES, or maybe some lightning crackled outside nearby! Whatever the cause - whatever the reason - whether the "Great Grey Box" BURPED, or FARTED, or whatever - we are STUCK!

The first pangs of panic hit us - "OH SHIT" did I lose it? Was my backup on? Was the file saved? Did I remember to NAME it? How long have I been typing? Five minutes? Ten? A half hour, or even an hour? "OH GOD!" WHERE IS IT? How do I find it? Was it saved in Corel? In Documents? Is it buried deeply in a sub-folder, under another sub-folder, inside a folder? Under Backup? SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

Now your "train of thought" has been totally DE-RAILED! Different "juices" are flowing now - not the "creative" ones, not pleasant, ego-pleasing ones, not endorphin producing ones - but rather - "I’m gonna put a hammer to this *#%&. Mother-Bleeping SOB"!!! Oh, I must mention here, parenthetically, that this exact same scenario can also occur when one is ONLINE, in the middle of writing a LOOOONG arduous Email, that just HAS to be finished and sent RIGHT NOW! You know, like one on a Dating or LOVE site, right?

Are we now STRESSED? Is the adrenalin shooting through our veins like a high-speed DSL or Cable connection does? You bet your sweet "What-a-Call-it" -- SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! It was so GOOD, and so MANY words, and so well PHRASED - I’ll NEVER be able to remember what I said VERBATIM again! Where IS it? Isn’t CYBER-SPACE WONDERFUL? SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

Now, in this "tangled web we weave" the plot thickens! WHAT IF - you were in the final stages of communicating with your PUBLISHER about the COVER DESIGN of your very FIRST BOOK? And it’s a Friday night, and some really serious SPYWARE SHIT was embe dded sub-terraneanously in your "Movva-Luvin’ Puter?" What if an entire WEEK has gone by? And you started by calling Technical Support of your ISP? And they were kind enough to tell you it was a MSN problem? Then you called MSN and were told it would cost you $35.00 for help - BEFORE you could even talk to a human BEAN? But, then MSN was equally kind enough to tell you that BECAUSE the Windows XP Home Edition was already installed in your lil box when you purchased it, that HP was really responsible - AND - you were assured that HP had the wherewithal to correct this MSN problem!!!

AHA! Now we’re getting somewhere! So, then you called HP Tech Support, but before you could actually converse with someone to HELP you, a DECISION had to be made ON THE SPOT! As your "machine" was no longer under WARRANTY, do you want to PAY $99.00 for an entire year of TS ( I now kindly refer to this term as - Tough Shit! ) OR JUST $40.00 for this ONE ISSUE? SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Gimme the forty dollar job! So you use your OTHER ever-luvin’ utensil, or utility vehicle - PLASTIC! And CHARGE IT!

Next, you are connected to a very pleasant and courteous fellow named Richard, in INDIA! You spend an hour on the phone, do all the ‘fancy-Smancy" technical things, like: turn off computer, then turn back on, while constantly pressing the F8 key, then go to SAFE MODE, select ADMINISTRATOR, select START, select RUN, type in REGEDIT (delete this and that), then do another RUN for %temp%, and delete more SHIT, then do another RUN for PREFETCH, et cetera!!!

Now, about thirty-five minutes into the call, while your ‘box’ is reloading files forever, another twenty or so minutes elapse, and then you hear an unfriendly NOISE on the line, then the OMINOUS operator recorded message: "If you would like to make a call, please hang up and dial again." SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

Now, you are still trying your best to maintain a positive mental attitude, right? After all, this pleasant Richard fellow DID ask for your phone number, way up front, just in case, right? And he would SURELY call back, right? So, you wait rather impatiently for another ten or fifteen minutes, while the files finally finish re-loading. You go make a cup of your favorite instant coffee, Tasters Choice. You take a "leak." You return, sit, and watch the stupid screen. Then, at long last, it finally finishes! HOORAY! Richard had already told you that when it stopped, all you had to do was RE-BOOT, and your problem should be solved, right?

Re-booted, waited while files re-loaded - Desktop was back to normal, all your cute lil ICONS were present and accounted for - OKAY! You click one to go online, the connection pop-up appears, your modem dials out, connection is made, user name and password work, then ------ BING! BAM! THANK YOU MA’AM! THE EXACT SAME THREE ERRORS REPEAT THEMSELVES --- AND THE CONNECTION TERMINATES! ABSOLUTELY NO IMPROVEMENT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

So, if it’s rather late in the evening now, and you happen to be a very hard-headed Irishman, who has enough sense to know when he is LICKED - then you go turn on your TV - and DARE THAT MOVVA TO MAL-FUNCTION! Saints Preserve us!

Now, it’s Saturday morning, you call HP TS again, give your CASE NUMBER, and get connected to Roy - in INDIA! After briefly reviewing his records of the case, he has you do almost the same things! Another hour transpires. It should be FIXED now! Bear in mind, I only have one phone line, and my access is Dial-Up, so I must hang up, no TESTING is possible. ZIP! NADA! ZILCH! NIL! NO FRIGGIN’ CHANGE!!!

Then, the THIRD hour is spent with Allen, from INDIA, with the same NON-results, so on the FOURTH callback to HP, I get Luke, from INDIA and tell him that I would like a Manager or Supervisor to REVIEW this case, and I will call back NEXT WEEK - WHY? Believe it or not, I DO HAVE A LIFE, and I am due at a surprise Birthday party! One POSITIVE note here: by now, I have totally impressed FOUR separate and distinct young INDIAN tech support persons by thanking each, in his own native tongue: SHUKRIA !!!

Wednesday evening, May 18^th, 2005, upon returning home from work, armed with my coffee, CIGGIES, and a fresh perspective, I call HP and am connected to Sean, from INDIA, and he gets his supervisor, Raj, on the line. Well, he wants to do a system RESTORE - which would re-format my hard drive, and I would LOSE all my data (writing files, pictures, installed software programs, et cetera! NO WAY JOSE’ !!! Can’t do that! So I ask if we can simply DELETE the Winsock Module that is causing the problems, and then RE-INSTALL it? Well, SHIT IN MY PANTS - he says YES, No Problem! Hold on while he explains to Sean what to do.

 Sean gets back on, we do the required procedures, slowly and carefully, using code letters of the alphabet to pin down every single CHARACTER being entered! He ASSURES me that this should now take care of the problem! Now SIX LITTLE INDIANS are impressed by me and my vast store of knowledge of the ONE word of their language! So I bid Sean ADIEU, and then RE-BOOT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Ad infinitum! Same errors pop up!

You could cut the STRESS with a knife by now! My puter has been out of commission for ten days now! OH, I failed to mention that BEFORE I ever called ANYONE for TS - I DID TRY to do a RESTORE (SAFE procedure) from every friggin’ SAFE CHECK-POINT DATE, going all the way back to February - NONE WOULD WORK! GO FIGGER !!!

Another case in point, dumb as it may sound, this is my SECOND HP Pavilion with Windows XP Home Edition! WHY? The first one CRASHED so many times in eleven months, that I took it back to Circuit City, before the warranty was up. EVERY FRIGGIN’ PC IN THE STORE WAS LOADED WITH THIS SAME POS - ( Piece Of Shit ). And they would not return my money, so I traded up from a 40 GIG to a 60 GIG - Yeah, you got it -- POS 2 !!!

I already told HP that I will NEVER buy another of their products ( also had plenty of problems with their HP Office Jet V40 - Printer, Fax, Scanner, Copier) - but that’s another long tale! When finances allow it - I WILL PURCHASE AN APPLE MAC LAPTOP - WHY? Because they actually WORK - The built-in LESS STRESS factor alone makes it worth the price!

Anyway, that same evening I ran Norton Anti-Virus AGAIN - NO VIRUSES found in over three hundred thousand files! Thursday, Friday, Saturday - all came and went. By Sunday morning, the twenty-second, I had searched EVERYWHERE, every nook and cranny, for my RE-BOOT disk. Read labels on every friggin’ "floppy" I could find. Those without labels were inserted in drive A, and attempted for re-boots. NADA!

One might ask " Why did you let the entire weekend go by?" BECAUSE Friday night, after promising myself NOT to subject myself to any more aggravating STRESS, I would simply watch Videos on my DVD drive, right? About twenty minutes into "Hotel Rwanda" - the screen LOCKED UP - the whole friggin’ puter CRASHED, and I was left high and dry, up the creek without a paddle, no tickee no laundry!!!

So, about an hour into searching on Sunday morning - VOILA! EUREKA! I FOUND IT! Here, in my hot little hands, I held my HP UNMOUNTABLE BOOT VOLUME UTILITY ! Oh, Boy! Was I saved or what? After reading the brief instructions thereon, turned POS2 off. Inserted floppy. POWER ON! Read screen instructions. It would SAY it was doing a RECOVERY - but NOT TO WORRY - NOTHING ON HARD DRIVE WOULD BE LOST... press any key........

Well, it did a CHKDSK for all my folders and files, and absolutely NO viruses were found! This was the THIRD time, using THREE different softwares! It finished, left me on C: \ (prompt) and told me to REMOVE FLOPPY and re-start puter. SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Now it was still the same - an ENDLESS LOOP - no matter which of FIVE different modes were selected - IT WILL NOT COME UP!!! STRESS? You got a better choice? $%^&*. PUTER STRESS !!!

QUESTION: Is there a little PURPLE PILL one can feed one’s lil puter (not peter) for ED ????