How did she get in that sterile place?! She later wondered. How did she get in that, that room, which looked so clean? Yet, harbored within its off-white-colored walls were the silent and hidden screams of sinews, underdeveloped bones and tissues...and smells of innocent death. What was she doing there?! After all, she had a man, a man who was supposed to love and care for her, who was more than just a familiar lover or an ‘once in a while’ nighttime companion - he was her husband.
Her husband…her better half. The object of her sole affection, the one she adored and worshipped - the man she loved with every ounce of her being! And that’s why, that’s why she questioned her hearing. She could not have heard correctly, had she? Had she heard right!? Had she understood the words that he spat out at her?
Frantically, her mind sought for an ‘anchor’ to hold on to! I mean… weren’t there children that had to be considered? There was a daughter – his. And another daughter – hers. Then there was a son - his and hers and now another child on the way, but he had said... what?!! Had he said, he did not ‘want’ this child?!! ‘Their’ child?! The child that she was, in fact, then carrying? No! Oh no! He did not, he could not have said such a thing, she must be dreaming! But she couldn’t wake up! Neither could she deny the engraved image of him stomping his feet - his face angry and frowning like he had just heard the most devastating news in the world. My God, she screamed silently, please, wake me up! Please! I ‘must’ be dreaming!
She recalled how she had endured the empty bed and empty nights. But when he did come home...his warmth, his hot hands, his one-of-a-kind ‘warm milk’ smell, somehow made up for the days of his absence. And the fact that the ‘other woman’, the beautiful young temptress, had just recently had her second son for him, though hard, could be tolerated - again.
But this…this rejection…this pain!!!! She could…never…forgive! She could never forgive the look of pure contempt, the adamant tone of anger that encompassed his actions towards her that day. A rejection of the life she carried said to her...said to her soul...what it did not want to hear; I no longer love you or value you, nor do I want anything that comes from you!
She had sought counseling from some so-called ‘family’ members, but they were no help. They said they ‘understood’ how she felt and perhaps she should follow his desires...but the final decision was hers. So, she found herself in that ‘sterile’ place contributing to its history of death.
And then things changed. Her feelings for him were no longer the same. His once ‘yearned for’ love making, within arms that started a flame, which only his waters could quench, now seemed to her, as a rape. A rape, not by a human being, but by some sort of animal! An ‘unbearable’ act. And, even before she left him and ventured out on her own, her ‘search’ has begun.
It was maddening. The quest to belong…to feel needed, loved, wanted - it was a wretched life. She foolishly ignored obvious warnings and plodding on, pining to be loved, she felt she had nothing. Even her children took a back seat to her desire to find love. She went down paths where she thought every new pair of arms offered what she was seeking. For, a few fleeting moments, she belonged...she was somebody’s woman.
Somehow the separation ‘filtered’ her sexual aversion to her husband. And though still apart, they met from time to time...as so many do, for ‘old times sake’. They even decided to try again. But a ‘tainted’ ointment had been spilt upon their portrait and ruined it...beyond repair. A child came forth from that effort. A little girl destined never to know the protective covering of a father in her life… with the fault belonging to the both of them.
Thus, her ‘selfish’ search continued and along the way a son was produced from one of her ‘brief’ affairs. Still, her ‘thirst’ was not quenched, and she continued her hunt...futilely.
Then, mercifully, ‘Marvelous He’, there all the time…just waiting for the right moment, revealed Himself. Tenderly and compassionately...He beckoned. Cajoling, with promises of peace, eternal life, and His Love forever...He drew her closer. It was not easy at all, as at first, she walked with Him on and off. But eventually, she came to trust Him…and she found herself changing...no longer content to be the ‘receptacle’ of ‘one-night’ stands. When, over a period of time, she stopped hurting, she accepted that she had not been perfect in the relationship and when she repented, she was forgiven. Also, she learned, what was for her a very hard task…to forgive. By first speaking it, then really desiring it and then…letting ‘Him’ do what only He …could do, she came to a place of…peace.
No, things would never be ‘patched up’ between her and her ex ... they finally divorced. The Eros love so necessary for a marriage was gone, but agape love, the kind she had for all mankind, was there. She could give him credit for what he was; an extremely good son who kept a job and she could, sincerely, from her heart, wish him the rich blessings of...true love.
It took a while, but eventually she concluded that the road, the path…of her on-going journey was worth it all! Indeed, she had at last found the kind of Love which she had searched, so desperately, all those years. She was at last experiencing a Love that made up for ‘all’ her pain and emptiness. It was the… Love of Jesus!
After all those affairs...all those beds, she found that Jesus’ Love was more...much, much more...than a mere, Love Affair. For ‘Affairs’ have a time to begin and a time to end. However, in marked contrast, His Love, which was always there…would never end, but was hers…eternally.
IS 43:1-2 & 46:45 & 49:15-16 & 54:5-6, JER 31:3, HEB 13:8, 1JHN 3:1
(C)jmsbell-10/31/2009
