How useless I feel. I can hear the parting words of my first 'love.'

'You can do nothing,' he said. 'You are good for one thing.'  I was only

twenty-three years old, and those words weighed heavily on me like

an insidious monster.  Whoever said, 'Sticks and stones can break

your bones, but, words can never hurt you," was SO WRONG!

     There I was, feeling so useless.  Perhaps, Andrei( my supposed

fiance') was right. Perhaps, I couldn't do anything right. I believed that

if I loved Andrei, that he would marry me. But, he quickly escaped, when

he realized that my father didn't approve of him. Andrei was shrewd,

calculating, and most of all, (as I was to discover too late in the

relationship) heartless. What Andrei wanted was money. I was not

worthwhile (to Andrei) without it.

     Sadly, I still loved Andrei. And my respect and high regard for him 

as a human being(tragically misplaced) would shape my self-image

in a negative way for years to come. I was desperate for approval, for

affirmation...that I, Rachel, should feel good about herself...that I,

Racher, deserved to be loved.

     And then, I met my future husband. If only I had know what was in

store for me.