Evaluating from a troubled past.
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It started at my darkest of time. I was alone in a city that I hated. I am from the Bronx in New York City. I had many friends there. They were drinking buddies both male and female but they were my friends. Some may say drunks all of you. But we never hurt anyone but ourselves.
And now living in Phoenix I was alone and despondent. I had been planning this step for a couple of days. I wanted to die!
I had a vial of vicodin with 120 pills in it. In fact I had just refilled the prescription. I was to swallow all 120 pills with a pint of Dewars White Label
I started slowly, taking about 10 at a time. Finally after about 15 minutes I had swallowed all 120.I remember calling out to my dead sister because I wanted her to escort me to at least the doorway to hell. Justina was to good a person when she was alive to be a person in hell but I figured she knew where the enterence was.
Anyhow I do not remember anything else except when my eyes opened I thought I was dead. Instead I was alive and sick to my stomach. I stayed in the hospital although I called it the "nut house" for two weeks. I just wondered why I was still alive. I wanted death so badly.In my dreams I would dream of dead people. Yes I saw them. I felt there touch. I was repulsed to human kind.
Well anyhow I survived that nightmare. But I was still alone and it seemed to be my destiny to be alone. My daughter had gone to live in Holland after her marriage. My son was having substance abuse problems. Even though they were both adults what good was I to them. They needed me and I a worthless piece of crap needed to be dead.
Something happened to me a few days after I had gotten home. I found prayer. I prayed for forgiveness.
I began to write again. I stopped drinking except water. And here I am. My life although in my September years felt anew. So now even though I do not have much of a chance in life I am inspired. I no longer feel heartache. I will write about those in other times. For now I feel inspired and I feel love for someone The chance of her being or falling in love with me are very limited I know.
But I am here now and I am trying to help people in need. I am a poor man, but I can help by just being a friend.
Tony this is a very powerful heartfelt story..yes I can identify
and I thank God that you are "Still Here" You have an excellent
style of writing..wonderful gift you have and you know what Tony
the word says in Book of Revelation 12:11 " And they over came
him (meaning Satan) by the blood of the Lamb, and they loved not
their lives unto the death." Tony you have a powerful testimony
of all that you have been through, truly God really loves and it is He who takes care of you! You are precious! Be encouraged and may the
Lord really bless you in a special way! Thanks for sharing!
Keep writing man - you never know who you will help - or what worlds you will open for yourself and others - it is your power.
Reviewed by Jerry Bolton
3/4/2010
I tried to kill myself with booze (of any kind, sour mash preferred) for forty some odd year, Tony. One day I decided God didn't want me and the devil was scared of me so I quit smoking and drinking the same day. I am old enough to die. I have enough things wrong with me that should, and will, kill me. But you hit on what drives me. Writing. Just finished my eleventh book, it will be published in a few days. I am good at writing my novels (and one memoir), it is the selling of them that I fall behind. Still, as long as I can sit in this chair and pick and peck at the keyboard I will never stop writing until my hands a cold and dead. Hang in there, my friend, start kicking some literary ass . . .
Reviewed by Darkest Angel
3/4/2010
I am glad to meet you, Tony. This story is very sad, but I can understand, and that is all I will say about that, publicly. The tail of this story is good and very hope inspiring. I will look more carefully into life, regarding the words you made...thanks.
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