April 10, 2011, Nashville, Tennessee, 3:10 a.m., D.S.T.~

Dear Journal~

Anh Kim here.  Sorry if I haven't written in such a long while: school (and my wife) has kept me busy.  Then Thu got pregnant, and unfortunately, she lost the baby.  Miscarriage.  She was nearing her third month of pregnancy when she started hemorrhaging.  It was a very scary time for the two of us.  When the doctor told us about the baby, all we could do was cry.

We have no idea whether it was a boy or a girl, but the doctor said if the baby had been born there was a good chance that it would have been born with severe disabilities and/or brain damage, so maybe it was for the best.  I don't know if that was the right thing to say; I guess the poor man was trying to break the news to us gently.  :(

We had the funeral for the baby several weeks back.  It was a private thing; not many people came, which was fine.  We wanted to be alone in our grief, and at times the grief we still feel threatens to overwhelm us.

Then last week, I had a biopsy done, and the doctor said I had some pre-cancerous cells in my lymph nodes.  So I might be scheduled for some chemotherapy/radiation just as a precaution or impending surgery to remove the potentially cancerous lymph nodes.  Again, I am faced with the possibility of my own mortality and worrying about my wife if that were to happen.

I am trying to stay strong in Jesus Christ, and trying to put my trust/faith in Him during this trial, but let me tell you this: it isn't easy, not by a long shot!  It seems all I have done lately is cry, and Thu has been battling ongoing depression.  I am concerned for myself, but I am mainly worried about Thu.  She has been devastated by all that has been going on these past few weeks to a month.

Yesterday, when I called my parents to break the news, mom cried.  She has always been the sentimental sort and she didn't take the news well at all.  I tried not to cry myself, but I guess she could tell by the tone of my voice that I was upset about something, so she wormed it out of me before I could have a chance to tell her by my own self.

In between our time of grief and school, not much else has been happening in our lives.  Thu is thinking of going back to school in a month; she took a temporary haitus until she recovers from her miscarriage/surgery (she had a D & C done [without any anesthesia, since her blood pressure was so dangerously low; it about killed her and me; all I could do was hold her hands while she screamed in pain]).  It was almost too much for both of us to handle.

They did the procedure right there, in the L & D room.  There was no time for her to be rushed to the ER; she was bleeding so much.

I have taken a temporary leave of absence from college myself, so I can help my wife in her grief and be with her as she recovers (it will take a while).  I will continue to attend church here in Oklahoma, but for now, my wife is the most important thing in my life.  She really needs me.

THEN I come to find out that tomorrow we may be in line for some bad storms, including the threat of tornadoes, damaging winds, and large hail.  We've already been hit several times by bad weather; what's one more shot at severe storms??  I know this is the time for severe storms here in Oklahoma, but I'd like a break in the pattern; I am more than ready to see some sunshine and/or dryer weather!!

Well, Thu is crying again, so I'd best tend to her.  Just keep the two of us in your prayers; we both could really use a major touch from God!  Thank you in advance!

~Anh Kim.  :(