Celebrity "Master Chef", V.S. "Celebrity Hells Kitchen" Staring MR ED Head the "Talking Horse" 2015 Season kick off
Mr. ED Head: Damn it...what a hell of a year 2014 turned out to be. FOX Television showed me a little clause in my "TV" contract....and now I'm stuck in the new version of: "Celebrity Master Chef" V.S. Celebrity Hell's Kitchen"...
I'm not cut out for the shit FOX TV has pulled off, but here goes:
Announcer: And now a new season of "Celebrity Master Chef VS Celebrity Hells Kitchen" culinary cook off
Gordon Ramsey: "alright.. we have combined the "first ever" "Celebrity Master chef cooks against our first ever Hell's kitchen Celebrity Hell's Kitchen known as the Green team" of Celebrity chefs. (Camera pans around to various members on both teams:
Ramsey: "Ahh..yeah...this el be either a train wreck from "ell" or the tracks to the end of my Fox TV career leaving me only with doing "Hotel Hell" and that poor rating show "Master Junior Chef" with all those whiney crybaby lil imps". , I'm sure I'll hang myself if this does not go over well".
(camera pans the various "celebrity's susprised looks in their eyes)
Ramsey: "First let me introduce the celebrity "Green Hells Kitchen team"
announcer: "Back from hell himself and former world war II leader of Nazi Germany, Adolph Hitler and his top 8 BFF's: Herman, Joseph, Karl, Heinrick. Kim Jun, Marcus Welby (M.D.),Banker Milburn Drysdale, & Commie leader Alex Putin.
(camera pans and zeros in on Adolph who is sporting a new "ZZ Top" looking beard sans his famous lil "stash", while the others are sharpening there "German made fine Zwickels knives)
Ramsey: "Oooooooo looks as if they really are going to be a tough team to beat in the Hell's kitchen...but can they stand up to the heat when I give them the orders and taste their mistakes"? "That team leader that use to have the funny mustache, he look to have that "winning it all" look in his eyes!" Lets hope my guest like the taste of heavy German N. Korean, Russian caviar tasting food" ? ? ?
announcer: The celebrity Master Chef team looks just as formable, with guest stars: "Mr Ed Head the talking horse from televisions days of yore and syndicated re-runs", Those two animated idiots: "Bevis and Butthead" who by the way basically stumbled back into TV fame through 2013's seasons "Celebrity Master Chef un-aired tapings". Everyone's old and favorite 'ex U.S. President' Abe Lincoln who we thought was just a prop left over from an older show taping, Martha Stewart, Kristy Allie (who now tips the scales at 328 lbs, another former U.S. President and one sure to screw up his words from TEXAS "George "W" Bush", and the leading motorcycle cop of the very gay 80s TV show CHiPs "Ponch-er-rello". WWe only know him as "Ponch" since he bought into a chain of all you can eat TACO Buffets".
(camera pans in on Mr Ed Head as he's biting fleas from his back)
Ramsey: "owe...owe..owe"
(camera zooms in on Kristy in the kitchens pantry rooting for something to eat)
Ramsey: "Oh Kristy...can you get your chubby face and ass out here?"
Announcer: the object of the competition is for the celebrity Master Chefs to make the best dish chosen by Chef Ramsey, then the people on the Hell's Kitchen team has to replicate that dish but at the end of their kitchen portion, they must choose the weakest would be chef for elimination
Ramsey: "OK".. The Celebrity Master Chef side ...I want you to make me your most stunning dish of your choosing. You have the full use of the "stunning pantry which Kristy I see has rooted through like the pig that she is. You have exactly 60 minutes on the clock...starting now"
(camera pans to the clock.....everyone runs to the pantry)
Announcer: Hell's Kitchen team member Herman Goering is intensely watching Kristy Ally's rear as she runs into the pantry again.
Goering: "Ya Mein Fuhrer...das is gut...Ja?"
(camera zooms in on Kim Jun's yellowish face and new dew haircut)
Announcer: Abraham Lincoln is just standing still at his cooking station, un able to move due to his 140 years of being stiff in his Springfield Illinois coffin.
Ramsey: "Mr Lincoln....can you hear me? I said you have now 52 minutes left to gather what you want to prepare"
(camera zooms in on Lincoln's stiff body)
Ramsey: "Oh my god...in all the years I've been doing these silly cooking shows, I've never seen this ever! Here we actually have a Celebrity Chef not moving or even attempting to move to make a damn thing"
Ramsey: "45 minutes left on the clock"
Announcer: as the Master Chef cooks are busy making there best creations dishes, chef Ramsey walks around talking to the celebrity chefs
Ramsey: "President Bush....what are you preparing?"
George W: "I'm makin' a TEXAS delight, Bushes BB-Q beans an smoked steer ribs"
Ramsey: It's going to take far longer to cook those ribs than what time allows"
George W: I know...but settle back pardner and let me get down to cookin'"
Announcer: Ramsey rolls his eyes
Ramsey: "Bevis...Buthead...just what the hell are you rwo going to make?"
Bevis: "Pretzels"
Ramsey..."all you two have is just the fancy little wooden basket from the pantry and a box of salt. I see you two were also in the "Master Pharmacist" part of the set. That was strictly off limits to anyone, you lil bastards"
Bevis: "ah...we know"
Ramsey: "I can't wait to kick both your asses out of here and lock the studio doors on you two!!!"
Mr ED: I was up early for this taping and drank 2000 amperes of strong Starbucks Americano Coffee.
But this last cup made my horse tummy gurgle. I'm the one who hopes I get kicked off first.
Bevis looks over at Mr ED's face and has a sheepish smile
Ramsey: "20 minutes left!"
Announcer: As time keeps clicking down to the "0" mark Cheft Ramsey continues walking around.
Ramsey: "Kristy....Kristy...Kristy....just what are you mixing up in that pot?"
Alley: "I got into a bag of Starburst candy, as well as a liter of Mountain DEW, and a gallon of milk. Thought I would make a favorite of mine"
Ramsey: "Looks horrid. Starburst hard candy, Mountain Dew and Milk????"
(camera zooms in on Kristy dipping a ladel into the semi warm pot and gulping down for a taste)
Ramsey's nose turns upward
Alley: "Yummmmm"
Announcer: "Ponch-er-rello is chopping fresh onions and tomato's at his station, shaking in seasonings"
Martha Stewart is arranging her dish as for perfect presentation for Ramsey
Ramsey: "5 minutes...you better start plating"
Mr. ED: Now since my stomach was already gurgling and drinking all that coffee, I felt a BIG #2 coming on, and knew I would plop one in the studio
Announcer Bevis and Buthead had destroyed the decretive "twig pantry basket" and tossed the pieces into the microwave over for a good 20+ minutes.
Ramsey: "2 minutes"
Mr Ed: I just had a bown of instant Oats (dry) sitting in a mixing bowl. Thought the stainless bowl and dried crap looked good for the camera.
Ramsey: "45 seconds"
Mr Ed: "Oh god..oh god.... I'm going to have a blow out here!!!!!!" "What the fuck?????!!!!"
bells rings
Ramsey: " hands up..except for you Mr Lincoln"
Ramsey: "Lets start with the worst 2 dishes from our Celebrity Master Chef's. Bevis, Butt shit, oops, Butthead and Mr Lincoln." "Humm Mr. Lincoln...can you hear me?"
Announcer: The 1860's ex president of the United states still stands not having even moved or blinked an eye
Ramsey: "Mr Lincoln...did you hear me??? Hellooooooo"
Ramsey smears and pounds his fist
Bevis: "Ahh...I think he has a cob web in his ear"
Butthead: "he said cob web... Bevis...your a cob web"
Eamsey: "Stop it you two! If I had a hammer in my hand I'd bash the two of you into cartoon history! What the el did you tow make?"
Camera zooms in on there creation
Butthead: "Ahh...salted pretzels with dip"
Ramsey: "salted pretzels... with dip?" (ramsey just looks at the mess) "Looks and smells like shit"
Bevis: "yeah it is"
Butthead: "Mr Ed horse shit dip"
Ramsey: "all you did was bust up the cute little twig pantry pasket and microwave the piss out of it...and somehow managed to sprinkle salt on the twigs. then you just scooped up Mr Ed Heads horse plop and put it on a plate???"
Bevis: "yeah...taste it"
Mr ED: those little bastards put something in my coffee...I'll kick their ass's!
Ramsey: " Ok the first person to leave Celebrity Masterchef kitchen is...... President Lincoln". "Mr Lincoln remove your apron and please leave the kitchen.... Mr Lincoln...please take your rotton ass out of here...MR LINCOLN!!!!"
Announcer: Due to the fact that the ex president never moved or made anything he is automatically disqualified from the competition.
camera shows Lincoln being rocked onto an appliance hand cart and wheeled away
Ramsey: "You little misfits...your lucky your still in this competition"
Bevis and Butthead give each other a high five
Mr Ed is closely watching those two just waiting to stomp those two out like a smoldering cigarette
Ramsey: "Now. I'll try to figure out the best two Chefs plates.... Martha Stewart, please bring your plate and President George W Bush...bring yours"
Announcer: "The Hells Kitchen Green dream team leans over the galleries upper ledge for whoever wins this portion of the contest, they will have to replicate and serve this exact dish for the Hells Kitchen dinner service
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