Yes, well I think I have teased some of you enough. And I am sure some of you could care less...at any rate the Grandma Sock:
Going on four weeks ago I was sitting on my couch minding my business catching a glimpse of the "bad" news on TV and my foot fell asleep. It happens to us all. That terrible numb, can't- really-feel-my-foot, know-it-is-there, pins-and-needles-when-it-tries-to-wake-from-its-slumber feeling. So, like we all do, I got up to get a drink of water and walk it off. Except, it didn't walk off. Odd...?
Four days later, still numb but now with some kind of weird underlying pain. It is numb to the touch on the outside from the third biggest toe all the way down to my smallest piggy, and the top half of that side around to the back of my heal. Poke it, pinch it, and whack it...nothing. BUT inside the foot there is a terrible ache going on like I have never felt. Weird situation. I figure four days is enough…doc appointment!
So…the doc orders blood work and X-rays. Something about a blood clot, diabetes, or broken bones. Gives me the Army’s fix-all med. Naproxen (it used to be Motrin, but my guess is that they got more funding to purchase Naproxen, so it is now the NEW "fix all" med), and send me on my way. I am scheduled to check back in 10 days if it isn't better and get lab results.
Fourteen days later I’m back. Lab results are fine. No sign of diabetes or blood clot. X-rays are normal. BUT foot is still numb and achy. The doc uses a very scientific method of testing the numbness by using the most sophisticated tool I have ever seen…a broken tongue depressor, (seriously, they go to school for this?). One side sharp other side dull...I am to tell him what I feel. I don't know if I passed this highly precise and complicated test or not. He scratches his head and tells me that it is a bit too early to put me on any other meds, (other than the NEW "fix- all" Naproxen), so he comes up with a more hi-tech treatment idea then the broken tongue depressor test. He orders "compression sock." I am to wear this compression sock for three more weeks and come back to see him…that’s why they call it a PRACTICE!
My first thought is …a sock? How is a sock going to make my foot un-numb?" The doc explains that he thinks maybe there is some swelling pushing on nerves that might be causing the numbness. (I see no unusual swelling, and the miracle Naproxen should have taken care of what could have been there in the first place...wouldn't you think that the numbness would have gotten better on the drugs?) Okay, whatever! I just want to feel my foot again and start working off the several (not saying how many) pounds I have gained since the foot went numb due to no exercise...well, that and those yummy mint chocolate cookies from mom. YUM!
Anyway...a few days later a medical company calls and is sending a rep over to drop off my compression sock. I was thrilled to know that I could get delivery service for said socks because I wasn’t sure where to purchase them. Anyway, she comes by and measures my ankle and calf. I will be proud to announce I am a size medium in the world of compression socks....go me with my small calves! Well at this point a medium ANYTHING sounds good to me!
All is well, right? WRONG! This is the scenario: I live in Texas, land of 100+ summer temps, and year round shorts, flip-flops, and sweet tea. Normally it would be blazing hot out, but this year we have been experiencing some serious rain so temperatures are ONLY in the low 90s…yeah…. Either way...sweltering heat or four inches of water...a knee high beige nylon-spandex sock on ONE foot isn't real fashionable or reasonable. AND it makes me cranky. I get to hobble around town now looking like a mental patient in shorts and flip-flops with one knee high beige sock. Beyond that I am having a hard time embracing the idea that this is helping…why…because after a week of watching my medium sized calf sweat and shrink in the knee high beige sock…nothing! Still numb…still aching…still worried.
UGH! Two weeks to go before I get to go back and tell my genius of a doctor that his brilliant grandma sock idea didn't work. I know he thinks I am a head case, but I think he’s an idiot.
Who gets a foot injury sitting on the couch alone anyway? Apparently, I do.
The Wholly Book of Doo-Doo-Rot-on-Me is adult satirical humor featuring adult language and adult content, and the work is a parody of the Old Testament Book of Deuteronomy.
