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Pastor Thomas Todd's Publications
Category:
Humor
Publisher: Thomas T. Todd
Type: Non-Fiction
Pages: 129
Copyright: September 2010
ISBN-13: 9780557702497
This book is not for the faint of heart, self-righteous, or liberal judgmentalists of the world. So pick up a copy if you want to laugh at the humorous side of your miserablemundane life. If you don't like it, or are somehow offended by the ramblings of an old turkey sitting in the far end of the world, then consider this; you need to seek serious professional help.
Creating a book like this is akin to writing on the men's room wall, spray-painting graffiti on the wall of a building, or hacking into computer systems with harmful content. Feeling they accomplished something they march bravely forwared in their quest to disrupt life. Nonetheless I had fun doing this. I have compiled a lifetime of observation and personal encounter into one hilarious collection. Included in this collection are my observations on homelife, children and parenting, employment, religion, holidays, and much more.
Chapter Six, the joke section, is worth your time alone consisting of 35 pages, the first three pages of chapter six list the medical benefits of laughter and a short course on how to fine tune your sense of humor. With over six hundred jokes and one liners it will make a good book for the crapper or a nice coffee table addition.
Caution: This book is not for the faint of heart, self-righteous, or liberal judgmentalists of the world. So pick up a copy if you want to laugh at the humorous side of your miserable mundane life.
Excerpt
Excerpt From Chapter Two
Children And Parenting
It has never ceased to amaze me how people want children. Children are:
• Short people who think they are tall.
• Spoiled
• They know more than adults
• They are demanding, and ungrateful
• They possess no sense of self awareness or knowledge of life, and so prattle on about things they don’t understand.
A spoiled child hates their parents. They think the whole world is their plaything. They are always pushing the envelope. They constantly have their grubby little fingers on what is not theirs. They defy you to punish them, and when you do you’re viewed as an ogre. They interrupt adults with demanding attitudes. When I was a kid, to interrupt an adult was to be slapped in the face, so we learned not to be rude. They defecate in their pants, pick their nose, and play with themselves in public. They are now, God help us, protected by law. In this case the law has no more sense than the child it thinks it protects.
I strongly advise the pregnant children (between the ages of 14-18) to sell the kid, because it will be a lifetime anchor. That beautiful little baby will never leave home. The proof is the insensitive, stupid, pregnant kid who is still living with their parents, and is now bringing another unwanted brat into the house. I don’t care what the parents say this kid is not wanted. These people have worked all their lives, they're tired, and the kid they raised pissed all their money away, and now expects the parents to shoulder the responsibility of still another worthless child. I think the kids should be thrown out of the house at the age 13. Teach them a trade early, get them a job, and push them out on their own, because they are un-teachable after that age. If you don’t have your values (if you have any) instilled in them by then, forget it. They won’t listen to you.
Occasionally I see the new parents barely teenagers themselves still at the hospital tending to their new arrival. The boy, acne be speckled, unkempt in appearance (which I believe is called style) standing with his chest all sticking out from pride of accomplishment. Allow me to clue you in Sonny. If you think that act proved you’re a man, then think about this. You did nothing more than a post-pubescent child of 12 couldn’t do.
The girl, with the same complexion problems, is sitting in the bed on her new fat ass and beaming as if she presented the world with a gift. A curse is more like it. She is now telling everyone how hard the delivery was. This is an act that was repeated billions of times before it got to her. She is acting like it was something special, and complains about the pain. Like, you didn’t think pushing 9-10 pounds of meat through your stupid vagina wouldn’t hurt? Incidentally that ass won't go away either. You will take it home and destroy your parent’s furniture with it. With your level of intelligence, and deep thinking ability, I predict the kid won’t be in jail before age fourteen. If you bothered to get married, I give it six months tops.
Now they produce the photographs. I will never know what possessed the hospital personnel (besides money) to take pictures of the kid when it was at its ugliest. I have seen pictures of baby’s with intrauterine cheese on them. They dress them up in the most unlikely clothing, in order to make them cute, which they will never be. Then the parents shove a picture of this nasty looking mini human under your nose, stand back, and wait for the compliment. I always tell them the truth, “The kid is ugly”. They act all shocked, as if they couldn’t see how ugly it was. They’re not blind because they found me, and assaulted me with that awful picture. If they were blind I could have avoided them. My kids were ugly in those pictures. When people asked me if I had a picture of my newborn, I would tell them “no” as an act of kindness. I wanted to spare them the stress of having to lie to me.
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