After eighteen years of drug and alcohol abuse, my life was in shambles. I needed to change everything! This was a big job, and I had no idea where to start! The reconstruction of my life was an inside-out job. It was my own thinking that was my biggest problem. The process began with the decision to stop using drugs and alcohol, and to start using my mind. I would highly recommend a hard look at your beliefs and the results of those beliefs on your life to this point. In the event that you are not satisfied, then it is time to change. This "change" occurs on the inside first an manifests itself on the outside. Reading develops the powers of concentration and creative thinking which I believe are the bedrock of significant change.
Excerpt
Downward
I have made so many mistakes over the years. I know that I have the potential to be a responsible, productive member of society. The first step for me was realizing that my alcohol and drug use could be holding me back. After years of partying, my life was a wreck! I had nothing to show for my life’s work up to this point except destruction. I wanted so much to make a difference in my life and in the lives of those that I was fortunate enough to meet. The question that needed to be answered was “how?”
March 1, 1993 was the beginning of a new life for me. The days leading before this day; I found myself in a very familiar state of intoxication alcohol and drugs were my focus. Nothing else mattered and this had gone on for the last time. I made a conscious decision to stop drinking alcohol and to stop using drugs. I took a suggestion that had been offered several years before by a drug counselor in my 2nd visit to rehab. I wanted nothing more than to stop the downward spiral that my life was in. I checked into a hospital for nine days in order to clean my system and to wait for an interview to get into the halfway house.
During those nine days in the hospital; I had plenty of time to reflect on my life. Why was I sabotaging my life? Why was getting “high” my top priority? I was not getting any younger and life was not getting any easier. All I could see was the wreckage that I had caused; the guilt and shame became too much to bear. I went back into the recesses of my memory; and traced all my problems back to using drugs and alcohol. I made a lot of bad decisions when under the influence. As a matter of fact; all my bad decisions were made while I was under the influence!
On many occasions; I have written down my thoughts, I don’t know why; I just did. This is what I was thinking one day in the late 80’s.
Today I looked in the mirror, looking for me
The person I saw, I didn’t think I could be
The person I was looking for was gone away
The new person said; the old didn’t want to stay
So I’m here to take his place, the new person laughed,
Then spit in my face.
My mind went blank and when I came to,
The person looked serious and said “you’re through”,
You better quit while you’re ahead, the end is coming,
It’s closer than you think
Look at yourself, man you stink!
You’re down and out and going out still
You do have the power and definitely the will.
Don’t sit around it, leave this place.
Go somewhere else and take up space.
Your mind is a hell of a thing to waste.
Use it wisely and the good life you will taste.
This was it for me; I was sick and tired of being sick and tired! I had to become willing to live in a manner that did not include drugs and alcohol.
I decided that I would do exactly what was suggested by my drug counselors and the people that were actively involved in a 12-step program. I was accepted into the half-way house; and I was so thankful! There was no turning back for me! I did not have an option; for me it was life or death! It was from a position of weakness that I made this decision. I made the admission that I was an addict and that my life was unmanageable.
Life at the half-way house was a test. I never realized how out of control I had become. So many memories flooded my mind. I spent a great deal of time reflecting on my using, all the problems I had created, all the opportunities I squandered and it brought tears to my eyes. It seemed to me that I was destined to be a complete failure. I believed that failure was following me everywhere, to my surprise; I realized that it was me following failure around.
The main problem was my thinking, I had developed a pessimistic view of everything that was not in line with my thinking. My thinking was shaped by misinformation that I had received from misinformed people. I call this state of mind “willful ignorance.” This mode of thinking kept me in the dark, kept me from the truth and nearly destroyed me.
The truth is that I did not know who I was, I was in a perpetually reactive state, I made bad decisions and then “reacted” to the circumstances that were created by those decisions. This became a way of life for me.
I am here to tell you that it is not where you been that counts, it is where you are going that makes all the difference. Consider this; In the bible there is a story of the wisest man to every live:
What happened to King Solomon?
There are two critical intersections on the horizon of a man's or woman's life; one presents itself following a moment of failure, the other following a moment of success. The choices we face in our moments of failure are the easiest: we have only to decide whether to press on or to give up;
but, the choices that we face with our successes are far more subtle and potentially more treacherous. It was here, at the very height of his success, that our King Solomon lost his way, as his stature among the nations increased, so did his pride and if you do not know that pride cometh before the fall you can become a victim of pride. Because of King Solomon's growing sense of importance, the great wisdom upon which his reputation had been built gradually began to slip away from him and his judgment became increasingly flawed. Then there was also his lack of resistance to the temptations of life. Temptation will take you further than you ever wanted to go and will keep you longer than you wanted to stay. As King Solomon's pride and ego grew, so did his appetite for pleasure and possessions. Excess can destroy you, you focus needs to be on the purpose that God has prepared you for. Solomon’s out right disregard for this and other laws of the Almighty gradually eroded his character and he soon lost touch with his people and the God of his fathers. I submit to you this: "If the great King Solomon-with the very hand of God upon his life from the time of his birth-can be led astray by his own pride and appetites, who among us is immune to the same danger? Not a one I assure you, it is discipline that will carry us through. God has placed the spirit of power in each and every one of us; however, that power is subject to our mind and the mind contains full control. The mind is stimulated by our senses and is then moved into choice mode. In your moments of failure, choose to learn from your defeat and press on, in your moments of success; walk humbly and guard your heart that pride and self-importance do not enter in, for these two spirits have defeated more leaders than all others combined.
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