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Category:
Humor
ISBN-10: 0979698006
Type: Fiction
ISBN-13: 9780979698002
Featuring Jerk Countering Technology
EL INTRO
In these modern times, technological advances have made things possible that were not possible a decade or two ago, and it just keeps getting better. As technology advances, tools and processes get better, and new technologies can be created and improved upon at an ever increasing pace. It’s an upward cycle of evolution that is boundless. There seems to be no limit to the creative ways that technology can be used to improve our lives and increase our comfort levels leaving us more time for the important things in our lives. As an advanced race, we should now have the knowledge, maturity and decency to be an amazing life force with an idealistic human experience of collective peace, harmony, abundance and love.
The weird thing is that with all of this technology and evolution, there still seems to be an unlimited number of jerks running around the planet. They go around doing whatever they want to whomever they wish, which causes a lot of unnecessary stress and unhappiness. Our mission here at Fantassy Products, Inc. is to provide creative technical solutions to many of those problems. Extreme problems (like the massive population of nimrods) require extreme solutions. We use blazing embedded processor speeds, extensible object oriented software, genetic engineering, nano-technologies, automation and robotics, anti-gravity hover drones, artificial intelligence, and zero point energy converters to their full potential. While it’s true that not everyone will be able to afford these products, we are hoping that just having them out there will act as a strong deterrent to offensive behaviors and raise awareness levels to make the world a better place for everyone. Prices for technology have a downward tendency so maybe you too will be able to afford some of these one day, and join the fight against the jerk life forms. We sincerely hope so (more sales for us and more suffering meatheads).
Until our products have become common place, consider this. If you find that you are moseying along in the fast lane with an open road in front of you and a line of cars stacking up behind you, then follow these simple steps: slap yourself a couple times, increase your speed the two or three miles per hour that is required to actually get past the cars at your side (such that relative speed difference is similar to someone walking past a parked car), signal and change lanes after you get past those cars. Then slap your self two or three more times sharply for good measure. We’d appreciate that.
We now introduce our product line.
Excerpt
Robo-Swirley
Like most people, you probably use the restroom regularly enough that you can use one without marking your territory all over the seat, floor and stall. In the event that a mishap happens, a decent person wipes up their own mess so that the facility is usable by the rest of the public without risk of contamination and unpleasantness. After finishing their business, a considerate person flushes so the next person can use the facility without looking at or smelling whatever was left in the toilet. Yet how many times have you gone into a public restroom that smells like an ammonia experiment gone bad, looks like the aftermath of a major squirt gun battle site, yet has functional toilets that even a three year old can operate. This is too easy to get right, so we’re going to provide a subtle reminder. If you’re doing it right, you won’t have a problem, but if not, you might have a date one day with Robo-Swirley.
Robo-Swirley is a bathroom self defense kit that will make sure that bathroom slobs get a lesson in hygiene that they won’t soon forget. Robo-Swirley is an integrated system that has several components. It consists of a processor unit that runs application software that models good and bad restroom behaviors. It includes a camera and optical sensors that feed data to the image processor application that compares the data in the stall to how it looked before and after a visit. The three robot arms and shackle-like mechanical graspers of the Robo-Swirley system mount to the top of the stall frame such that they look like a part of the stall structure. When someone makes a mess and doesn’t clean it up or chooses not to flush, Robo-Swirley will kick into action when they attempt to exit the stall. Two of the graspers grab the subject by their upper arms, and the middle one grabs them by their neck. Robo-Swirley then orients them to face the toilet, drops them down into a kneeling position and dunks their head deeply into the bowl and then it flushes the toilet. Let’s hope for the subject’s sake that the event did not trigger because they forgot to flush. A speaker then announces that the subject needs to clean their bathroom mess.
Special Notes:
If you are one of the unfortunate souls that earns yourself a Robo-Swirley encounter, make sure that you clean up well immediately because Robo-Swirley will repeat its lesson. As the lead designer stated, “You ain’t getting out of that stall until it is clean again.” The maximum reported repetitive Robo Swirley event from the field only involved two dunkings. Who says that jerks cannot learn quickly? For this reason, Robo Swirley can be deducted as an educational training tool for your business.
A urinal area patrol kit is currently in the prototyping stage and is expected to be offered in next year’s product line.
In all fairness, bathroom operators should post warning signs about their Robo-Swirley hygiene enforcement systems unless they also supplement their revenues by selling web cam footage of Robo-Swirley encounters. Sorry. Web cams are not included with Robo Swirley systems.
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