Kindle Edition
markcsuttonauthor
Category:
Humor
Publisher: Mark Sutton
Type: Fiction
Pages: 153
Copyright: Mar 15, 2014
Price: $1.70 (eBook)
'Gilbert and Sulliman, and the Curse of the Red Spider' is a humorous fantasy novel set, not in some magical and mythical land, but in the heart of the West Midlands. Gilbert, and his Iraqi house-mate and business partner, Sulliman, are forced to battle against a series of unfortunate events and enemies, including a shape-shifting demon, an escaped pride of lions, rancid 'chicken in a basket' meals, a cursed Egyptian relic, a toxic cloud, an unmanned rocket scheduled to journey to the fiery surface of Venus, a violent Indian Elephant called Daphne, a collapsing electricity pylon that has been struck by a badly piloted UFO, a disembodied spirit, bacteria-ridden hot-dogs, and a mysterious and seductive beauty called Ravi.
Gilbert Thomas Gorman is a lonely and bored middle-aged man, desperately seeking the love of a good woman. Instead, he finds himself inadvertently lumbered with a new house-mate and business partner in the form of the mysterious Sulliman Jaswah, an obese toy-maker from far away Mosul in Iraq. Meanwhile, a paranormal force is manipulating events with its own agenda in mind, leading Gilbert and Sulliman into a series of increasingly bizarre and deadly situations, all of which are been born from strange and unusual circumstances; a day-trip to the seaside, combined with a misunderstanding over an Icelandic recipe for spotted-dick, and a ropey 'chicken in a basket' meal, result in Gilbert and Sulliman finding themselves accidentally on board the UK Phaeton, Britain's first unmanned spaceship that is on a mission to the fiery surface of Venus. A later series of unusual circumstances involving a badly-piloted UFO, an escaped pride of lions, and a severely damaged electricity pylon, put Gilbert and Sulliman into a dangerous and potentially fatal position. When Gilbert kindly volunteers to repair a friend's leaky roof, little does he realize that events involving a suicidal bearded Russian woman called Olga, an elephant called Daphne, and a toxic leak at the nearby chemical plant will all conspire against him as he tries to do a good turn. Will a rancid tuna sandwich and a DIY repair manual printed in Spanish help him avoid a terrible and poisonous fate, or will Sulliman's recent hot dog meal, riddled with bacteria, somehow save the day?
'Gilbert and Sulliman, and the Curse of the Red Spider' is a tale of an unusual friendship that is forged in the strangest of circumstances. It is the second novel by Mark Sutton, whose previous full-length e-book 'Jeremy and the Summer of Stalking' is also available on Amazon. The following works are also available:
Anne, They Say
Anne, They Reckon
The Round Guide to Morality
Moments of Morality
Jeremy's Complete Stalkers Collection
Jeremy's Little Book of Stalker Greetings Card Messages
Poems of Desire and Murder.
Coming soon:
Punk Slut
Jeremy and the Winter of the Super-Stalker
Excerpt
Gilbert Gorman was drifting into an alcohol-induced stupor in the passenger seat of Sulliman’s car. The rain lashed against the windscreen, and Sulliman was beginning to realize that he was completely lost. Gilbert had been giving directions that were making less and less sense, and now he had fallen asleep. Sulliman thought about pulling the car over onto a layby and waiting for Gilbert to wake up, but he knew that this could take many hours; Gilbert’s alcohol-induced slumbers usually took a very long time for him to wake up from. Sulliman was also a very proud man, and was determined to find his way, somehow, back to their home; uncle Clarence would just have to go hungry overnight, they could deliver his groceries in the morning.
Back at the safari park, Martha, a beautiful Lioness, and head matriarchal figure of the pride that she belonged to, noticed, with interest, that something had changed in her surroundings. She communicated this information, in a way that animals do, to the rest of the pride. For one thing, the buzzing had stopped. The buzzing was a warning to Martha and her pride; they knew what it represented; captivity. So it was a delightful surprise that the buzzing had, mysteriously, ceased. The second thing that Martha observed was a collapsed fence in the distance. This fence was part of a larger structure that had kept them contained for many years now. Several members of her pride were already ambling towards the fallen fence. Martha yawned, stretched her elegant feline body, and stood up. Then she followed the other lions to the collapsed wire structure, and then they all started clambering over it, tasting complete freedom for the first time in their lives, as they had all been born in captivity.
Sulliman was now hopelessly lost, and yet, for some ridiculous reason, he still persisted in carrying on driving, even though he didn’t have a clue where he was going. Visibility outside of the car was now practically non-existent due to the torrential downpour. Gilbert remained unconscious in the passenger seat, a line of foamy dribble running from one corner of his mouth. Suddenly, the car lurched off the road and down a steep, muddy enbankment. Sulliman hit both the brake pedal and the handbrake simultaneously, but the car just slid down towards whatever lay at the bottom. It must have been sliding for about fifteen seconds, then the car briefly levelled out, and then there was a ‘splonk’ type sound that echoed around the interior of the automobile. It was loud enough to even wake Gilbert up from his drunken stupor with a start.
Gilbert looked around, very heavy-headed, and extremely confused.
“What was that noise? Where are we?” He asked. Sulliman was unable to provide an answer to either question, until he had investigated the matter further. He tried to open the car door, but it wouldn’t budge; it was as if something powerful was pressing right back against it. Cautiously, he wound down the car door window. When the window was fully open, he gingerly popped his head outside. Within a split second, he pulled his head back into the car, an expression of terror on his face, his eyes that suddenly appeared to be the size of dinner plates.
“What is it?” Asked Gilbert, an extremely unsettled feeling rising from the very pit of his stomach.
“I think I’ve accidentally driven the car into a lake, or perhaps a river.” Advised Sulliman, and then the pair of them both went into a complete panic.
Gilbert pulled himself out of the car through the open car door window on the passenger side. His plan was to clamber up onto the roof, but everything was covered in rain water and he couldn’t get a grip. Instead, he fell backwards into the lake, or river, or whatever it was that that idiot Sulliman had driven them into. Meanwhile, Sulliman was stuck. He had tried to copy Gilbert by climbing through the car door window, but he was now wedged in its frame by his huge stomach. He couldn’t get any further out of the car, and he couldn’t get back in it either. He looked down at the water below, which was only a few inches away from him, but at least, as far as he could tell, it wasn’t rising. Which hopefully meant that the car wasn’t sinking. Which in turn meant that he wouldn’t drown. At least this was something, thought Sulliman, the situation could have been a lot worse.
Gilbert, after a couple of panic-stricken seconds being completely submerged in water, managed to get to his feet. The water was only around three feet deep. He breathed a huge sigh of relief. He looked around. Sulliman appeared to have driven the car into some sort of disused, water-filled quarry. He could see the tyre tracks and skid marks from the car, slithering down the embankment that led to the waters edge. He could hear Sulliman puffing and panting on the other side of the vehicle.
“Gilbert,” called Sulliman, “help me, I’m completely stuck.”Gilbert waded through the water and edged around the car until he reached Sulliman, who was completely wedged in the car door window.
“I can’t get out.” Said Sulliman, relatively calmly.
“I can see that.” Replied Gilbert, quietly enjoying seeing Sulliman trapped. As far as Gilbert was concerned, it served Sulliman right, after all, he was the one who had gotten them into this mess.
“Perhaps if you pushed me from behind, it might help to get me unstuck.” Suggested Sulliman. However, Gilbert shook his head violently.
“No. No way. I’m not climbing back into the car. Not when it’s half submerged in water, it’s not going to happen so you can forget that.” Said Gilbert adamantly.
“But I can’t stay here like this!” Replied Sulliman, feeling slightly outraged. Gilbert had an idea.
“Well how about if I try pushing you back inside the car?” He suggested.
“Oh, so it’s okay for me to end up back in the car, but it’s not okay for you?” Argued Sulliman. Gilbert reflected on this for a few moments.
“Well, it’s not my fault that we’re in this mess.” He said.
“Oh yes it is,” replied Sulliman, “if you hadn’t fallen asleep, we would never had gotten lost and I would never have driven into this lake.”
“It’s not a lake, it’s an old gravel pit by the look of it.” Said Gilbert, looking around. He looked back at Sulliman, was about to say something, but then he turned his attention back to the slopes of the pit. He thought he had seen something in the distance.
Gilbert was looking uneasily around the surroundings, and it was unsettling Sulliman.
“What is it?” He asked. “What are you looking at?” Gilbert turned back to his Iraqi business partner, frowning.
“I thought I saw something, up there on the edge of the pit,” he nodded towards the muddy slopes, “but I must be imagining things, coz there’s nothing there now.” Rather than calming Sulliman down, these words had the opposite effect, and he started frantically trying to wriggle out of the car door window.
“I have to get out. I have to get out NOW!” Half-shouted Sulliman. However, all of the wriggling was just getting him even more wedged in. Gilbert grabbed at Sulliman’s huge shoulders, trying to help pull him out, but he wouldn’t budge. Sulliman was getting more and more frantic. If Gilbert didn’t do something, his big fat housemate would probably have a cardiac.
“Help me Gilbert, help me. I need to get out. I have to get out!” He shouted.
“Calm down, Sulliman, for christ’s sake. I’ll get you out of there somehow, but you have to calm down.” Replied Gilbert. There was nothing for it; despite what Gilbert had pledged a few moments ago, he was going to have to get back into the car after all.
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