This heart-tugging story recounts one woman’s experiences in coping with the guilt over the loss of her premature son, the disheartenment she felt after a battle with infertility and a subsequent miscarriage, and how God mercifully restored hope for the future to her in His own perfect time. Through a powerful combination of plain-spoken testimony, scripture, devotions and prayers this book helps us to see God’s compassionate hand in all circumstances – from sorrow to joy and from despair to hope.
Excerpt
A mother is supposed to be tuned into her unborn baby and always striving to do what is best for him. I took my prenatal vitamins, ate right and took extra care in all I did. But when it counted the most I had failed him completely and I was so tremendously sorry. I had never before failed so miserably as I had in being a mother and it was the guilt that almost killed me in the months after David’s death. If only I had realized I was in labor sooner. If only I had the doctor paged to at least ask his opinion. If only I had overcome my nonassertiveness to put my baby first this whole nightmare may not have occurred at all. The relentless sadness was overwhelming.
“Please God, just take me home,” I would beg. Days passed.
I want nothing else but to be with my baby. I would plead, “Please God, take me home”. Weeks passed.
I not only failed David but my husband and our parents as well. Desperately I would pray, “Please God, take me home.” Months passed.
I can’t live with knowing I might have been able to save him and didn’t. I would sob, “Please God, take me home.”
I beat myself up from dawn until dusk, day in and day out. I wanted to die but was unsure if I’d get into heaven if I took my own life. With every bridge I drove across I fantasized about having a wreck but knew that God would know it wasn’t a true accident. I was trapped like a prisoner in a life I no longer wanted. I was convinced that my recovery wouldn’t really begin until I was carrying another child and I had no idea if I was to be granted a second chance.
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Reviews for "In Search of Hope: One Woman's Journey Through Despair in the Wake of Neonatal Death, Infertility and Miscarriage"
Reviewed by Tina Belle
1/5/2009
This book was a blessing and an answer to prayer. I'm so glad I found it when I did. Thank you, Susan, for sharing your story. I'm sure it has helped many others as it certainly led me away from the destructive path I was heading toward and back to God.
Reviewed by Liz Manner
11/15/2007
In Search of Hope is heart-rending yet uplifting. I felt like I was part of this real-life story, dealing with the author's crises right along with her. I've experienced such a loss and reading In Search of Hope has made such a significant difference in my life and my perspective on my loss. God does work in mysterious ways.
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