I am beginning work on my first full length book. "The Dark Side Of Love" A Twenty First Century Love Story. This Is The First Rough Draft Of Chapter One. All Opinions And Advice Would Be Greatly Appreciated. Sorry I had to double space between the paragraphs, tab doesn't seem to work right here.
Excerpt
Chapter 1
An Extraordinary Day
Isn't it strange how extraordinary events seem to happen on the most ordinary days? You wake up and don't realize your life will be changed forever on that day.
It had been a relatively quiet night and my shift was almost over. Emergency room residents work long hours and I'd been working for 16 straight.
“Dr. Vargas, room four” Nurse Kelly said as she passed me on her way to triage.
“Hey Baby, I'm headed home after this patient, ready for some breakfast, a long shower and a nap. Wanna come with? We could take the shower now and the nap later. Remember last time?”
“Sorry, have six more hours duty. Room four, Doctor. Broken finger, watch out for the boyfriend in the hall.”
She knew I was often not the favorite doctor of husbands and boyfriends. I usually had to be extra careful not to irritate them.
“So, what have we got here?” I asked as I entered the exam room, trying to ignore the sinister looking young man leaning against the wall just outside the door.
“Just a hurt finger,” My patient replied in almost a whisper.
“Well let's take a look.”
She was young, probably a college girl. She was beautiful and though I couldn't see her eyes behind the dark glasses, the rest of her was gorgeous. Long auburn hair hung to her waist in loose curls and there was not one freckle to mar the beauty of her porcelain-like skin. She was slender but had the curves of a goddess and the full, pouting lips of an angel. As I picked up her hurt finger I noticed that her hands were artistic looking, with delicate, long fingers.
“Yeah, it's broken, from the looks of the finger and the xray. We'll have to set it. It'll be quick and a bit painful. How'd you break it?”
“I tripped and hit the door frame.”
I looked at her chart to find her name.
“Ok Miranda, hold on to the bed-rail with your good hand and give me your pinky on the hurt one. Now close your eyes and think of some place better than a hospital.”
I pulled the finger into place as quickly as I could so as to spare her more pain.
“OUCH! Oh my God, that hurt,” she yelped.
“Worst is over now, Pretty Girl. I'll splint it and you can go home with some pain meds to help you through the night. By the way, why are you wearing sunglasses at night?”
“My eyes are sensitive, that's all, can you please just hurry?”
My experience and gut instinct told me there was more than a case of sensitive eyes involved. I closed the exam room door so we could talk in private, without the attention of her brooding boyfriend.
“I think you have one or more black eyes, could you please take off the glasses Miranda?”
“That's just stupid and no I won't take them off. Just hurry so I can go home.
“I'm sorry but I can't discharge you until I take a look at your eyes. Just take the glasses off and make my job easier. Either you remove them or I will”
She reluctantly reached up and pulled the glasses off. A shock ran through me as I looked into her eyes. They were unlike any eyes I'd ever looked into before. Large, almond shaped, with irises as soft violet-colored as a sunset at twilight. Those eyes affected me so deeply I knew I'd never forget them. Unfortunately the skin around them both was swollen and turning black. I cringed at the thought of someone abusing such a glorious creature as she.
“He do this to you? Don't lie to me. I've seen too much and know too much. Did he black your eyes, break your finger? Where else are you hurt? I'll have the nurse come in and I want you to let her check your body for injuries.”
“No, please don't do this, just let me go home. I don't want more trouble.”
“I have to do this by law Miranda. If abuse is suspected it has to be checked out and reported to the police.”
“No you can't do that, please don't do that.”
“I can and I must. What the hell are you doing with a bastard like that who knocks you around? You have to press charges, you have to get free. Don't tell me you love him, you'll get over him quicker than you can imagine when you leave him. Now I'll have the nurse bring you some pain meds, take one and lie back and rest. She'll check you out and report to me before I call the authorities. Just stay calm, everything will be OK, we'll find you a safe place to stay tonight.”
She seemed too upset and even relieved to argue with me. I closed the door behind me as I left the room. He was still leaning against the wall, an impatient, angry look on his face. I had insisted that Miranda stay calm but looking at this beast I found I was anything but composed.
“This is very unprofessional of me but someone needs to warn you, You Dirty Son Of A Bitch. I should beat your ass to a pulp right now. Any man who beats a woman is a sorry coward and deserves to get his teeth knocked out and his balls cut off, if he has any balls. I'm calling the cops and if I ever see Miranda back in my emergency room with so much as a suspicious scratch anywhere on her I will personally send you to Hell where you belong. ”
Anger blazed in his eyes and his fists clenched tight at his sides but apparently when he realized I was six foot three and angry enough to cripple him, he just turned and walked out of the emergency room doors into the dark night. I hoped he'd be walking out of her life forever.
I caught Nurse Kelly by the arm as she passed by me again. She would be the best one to send into Miranda's room. She was kind and compassionate but tough and determined.
“Jamie, go check out room four for abuse injuries. I'll wait here.
“I wondered about the dark glasses. Where's the boyfriend?”
“Hmmm, gone, I guess.”
“Hmmm, wonder why!”
Jamie closed the door behind her to room four. About ten minutes later she came back to talk to me in the hall.
“Juan you were right. She has contusions to the upper and lower body and vaginal lacerations. Did you call the cops yet?”
“Yes they're on the way and I hope she'll press charges.”
“I think she will. We had a long woman to woman talk. I'm calling her parents to come get her when the cops are finished.”
“You're the best Baby. Thank you. Sure you can't get off duty early for that shower and nap?”
“Go home Juan,” she laughed, blowing me a kiss as she hurried down the hall for the next emergency.
I quietly stepped back into Miranda's room before talking to the police who had arrived and were waiting outside.
“I'm so sorry he hurt you. The police are outside waiting to speak to you. You will file charges, won't you?”
Tears slid out of those beautiful eyes onto her soft cheeks. I wanted to take her in my arms and kiss them away but instead I took her hand in mine.
“Will be alright, you're doing the right thing Miranda. Your parents will be here soon to take you home. You'll be safe then.
“Thank you Dr. Vargas,” she said, as she read my name tag. I'll never forget you and how you took care of me tonight. Thank you.”
“My pleasure and I don't think I'll forget you either Sweet One. I'll speak to the police and then I'll be leaving for the night. Take care of yourself and never let anyone hurt you that way again. You're beautiful and strong. You deserve to be treated like a princess. Goodnight Miranda.”
The winter moon was full, the evening crisp and cold. Snow covered the ground. I was always amazed at the beauty of Snow, having never seen it until I moved north for medical school. I was tired and feeling a mellow satisfaction at having helped someone find their freedom . Maybe I'd skip the breakfast and the shower and hope for immediate sleep and some sweet dreams. I wondered if I'd ever see those incredible, violet eyes again. Probably not, but a man could hope.
Sorry Don, despite the "positive" reviews below, this is so amateur and badly written, you just need to start over. But poorly written books get published every day; "Fifty Shades of Gray", for example.
Reviewed by Lydia Clarke
6/5/2010
hey this was acutally preety good i like want to keep reading :) its good
DJ,
Nicely done..I was wanting more. Excellent so far. I am sure Dr. Vargas is not going to forget those violet eyes...Intriguing.
Can't wait for more.
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