The biggest illusion of all is our over-certainty of our particular version of reality.
THE ALLUSION OF ILLUSION: MINIATURE HIGHCHAIR
By
Bill Cottringer
Sometimes it is good to go back and try to peel the onion layers off of “reality” until you can get to an important point of agreement that has enormous implications. It is like finding a high density-packed idea that can explode into others infinitely. Here is such a point that I arrived at as a result of four decades of human behavior research: All people—black and white, tall and short, rich and poor, easterners and westerners, geniuses and retarded, strong and weak, lefties and righties, and believers and non-believers—have something very important in common that has enormous consequences. Do I have your attention yet? I hope so because this is really BIG.
Here it is: We all have a tendency to overestimate the certainty of our version of reality and the ability to succeed in dealing with it. It covers the whole gamut from the basic truths we are certain of, to our everyday perceptions, to our memories in recalling all these certainties. This may be the single worst human habit that causes all the problems in human relations—divorces between disagreeing married couples, wars between Christians and Muslims, fights between criminals and police officers, failed union negotiations between managers and employees and family squabbles ending in disowning parents and children and brothers and sisters.
It may not matter why we fall prey to this unfortunate tendency to over-estimate what we are sure we know and what we can do with it. And any answer may just be a good guess. I personally suspect that we somehow learn to make a subconscious connection between what we think we know for sure and our very selfhood, joined at the hips. When we get our beliefs and perspectives challenged or threatened, our whole self becomes vulnerable to being dissolved. And we can’t let that happen no matter what, for some strange reason or another. But, this is just my hunch and it really doesn’t matter if my guess is right or wrong. That won’t rectify anything.
I have found that I am more comfortable with the likely truth of something when I have a slight doubt. Over-certainty seems to violate human freedom and dignity by being over-controlling, exclusionary, judgmental, superior and insensitive to possibilities. At the very least, communication flavored with these sorts of characteristics causes defensiveness which eventually shuts down communication. Taken to the extreme, it results in aggressive violence or passive withdrawal, neither of which is very healthy for anyone because both approaches are never productive. Too many losses.
Earlier in my prison career when I was working with inmates, I was impressed with the concept of assertiveness mainly because it made good sense and got results too. Now I know why. Because it goes in between the extremes of certainty and tentativeness, control and freedom, judgment and acceptance, insensitivity and empathy, exclusion and inclusion, and superiority and equality. One side of this equation is for angels and the other for devils; the middle is for human beings with human flaws. Assertiveness matches human nature.
This article doesn’t really have to be that long because I have already uncovered the one really big problem in human relations and now all I have to do is offer a few suggestions for applying and living the solution. Here is my contribution to the effort below.
In the spirit of opposing the simple telling of the what of personal development, I prefer to focus on the how. The how is simply questioning yourself about the way you think and know something and the results you get from doing so. If you are not completely happy with the results you are getting (and if you are, you may be shortchanging yourself!), then all you have to do is realize that this idea may be one of the few truths you can take to the bank. It is certainly worth thinking about.
1. Consider the implications of this idea rather than debating its correctness. If you were to lighten up a tad on arguing about the things you are so certain about, what would happen?
2. Go backwards in your inventory of certain truths and sure realities until you arrive at the one you would be willing to die for. What is that one?
3. Have an urgent discussion about this idea and its implications for better living with your significant other or a close friend. Again don’t try to add to or take away from this idea’s correctness, but rather focus on the implications for you and others. Is this idea worthy of being a universal law or will it eventually turn itself against itself?
4. If none of this makes sense or works for you, try going away somewhere and being quiet, gradually uncovering a similar powerful idea of your own that has equally enormous consequences.
5. Let me know what you think about this all.
William Cottringer. Ph.D. is President of Puget Sound Security, Business Success Coach, Sport Psychologist, Writer and Photographer from Issaquah, WA. He is author of You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too and The Bow-Wow Secrets: How Dogs Live Simple Lives & People Don’t. Bill can be reached with questions and comments at (425) 454-5011 or bcottringer(at)pssp.net
Share
Save
Follow Me