“Strength does not come from physical capacity.
It comes from an indomitable will.”
Mahatma Gandhi
I have only one chemo treatment remaining before we learn how physically effective it has been. Whatever the tests show, one thing that my diagnosis and all that has followed have proven is that I am a fighter. A warrior, if you will.
Comments are constantly being made about how strong I am. How I'm managing to meet and overcome what overcomes so many others on my own terms. And many are surprised to find that there's a tensile core of steel within me. I ask the hard questions and expect hard answers. Rather then undermining my resolve to fight, those answers harden it. I will not allow The Beast, as I call my cancer, to operate in secrecy. I want to know it, how it thinks, not just how it works. I want to know all I can because that gives me an edge. And I want to pass what I learn on to others who must meet challenges of their own. Perhaps in doing so I am passing on the edge to them as well. Because it could be said it's an edge that applies to whatever identity The Beast assumes. It is a shapeshifter, but its purpose remains the same: total annihilation.
I look back on my life and see the many painful episodes I have endured. I now see it through a different lens. Gone is the one that had me believing I was weak and inconsequential. They were based on the attitudes of those I loved and wanted so badly to approve of me. But they undermined and mocked me, both to my face and behind my back. Perhaps they didn't always see it that way. Perhaps they truly believed they were doing me a favor. Looking back, I believe they subconsciously had assigned me a “place” and were determined to keep me in it for my own good. Such is too often the way relationships work between individuals.
In my case it has proven to be a gross miscalculation. They saw only the outward symptoms of the weaknesses of my body. And I am loaded with them, including my mental illness. Just knowing I am a true bipolar and how that unerringly leads me to behave erratically is enough to make people doubt me and not take me seriously. Facts that should further remind me of that place society has assigned me. Instead it only forges my inner strength. Strength that they are discovering for the first time.
And now as I face one of the most dangerous foes any mortal creature can face they are finally beginning to doubt their conceptions of who and what I am. Yes, I sometimes behave erratically and my judgment can become skewed. I've done some pretty stupid things in my life and faced personal ruin on many levels. I've survived mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. I survived years of isolation and suicidal idiation. I am a survivor. I am a warrior. I look into the the eyes of my nemesis and acknowledge it will more than likely someday destroy my physical body. But my spirit will live on, perhaps becoming, as Obi Wan said, more powerful than it can imagine. As anyone can imagine. I may not be able to prove it in the flesh but I believe inside me beats the heart of a Navy SEAL. Whatever life throws at me may cause me to bend, but will not break me.
Many have underestimated my true nature, and now it is on display for all to see. I am a Warrior, and in the end, my indomitable spirit will be the victor.
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