I used to think it childish and insincere to make a list of the things I “resolve” to do in any given year. Even those with the best of intentions typically admit to have broken them by January 15. So why bother? But I decided if I concentrate on being more adultish and sincerish, perhaps I can come up with a list of activities and specific tasks that are both worthy of the effort and that might help to cleanse my soul of those malevolent maladies clinging on from 2014. It was those cling ons that carried the day.
• First, I resolve to not worship in 2015. I am pretty sure that did not happen in 2014, but it’s always good to dash those kinds of thoughts beforehand. God is the Grand Achiever who has certainly set many extraordinary examples for me. Bowing down and mouthing mantras to Him or Her or the Grand Designer is hardly a good substitute for accomplishing something on my own. The universe is his design; who am I to ask him to change it to accommodate my mortal yearnings? And so I resolve to accomplish something in 2015 that is worthy of my God given talents. That is also consistent with my self-imposed commandment, “God gave me a brain. Use it.”
• Next, I resolve to help at least one person who has less than me. That will be a more difficult task in 2015 inasmuch as my net worth took a hit in 2014. Chances are the rest of humanity gained on me while I was losing out to others. But there are still lots of folks out there who could use a boost from me in some form. I will find you and do my best to improve your lot. And if you don’t know you need improving, so much the better. I will first pound that into your ungrateful head. With love, of course.
• I am going to use the “L” word more in 2015. But let me clarify. I do not resolve to end every conversation with every person I meet with “I love you.” How mundane and boringly American is that? That would hardly be a resolution at all. I intend to use it sparingly, thoughtfully, and direct it toward those who treat me with kindness, and affection, and with wet kisses. So I will limit my pronouncement to ladies of the female persuasion. You know who you are.
• In 2015 I will write less, but with more daring and purpose. I noticed in 2014 there were a lot more writers plying their craft hell-bent on changing the world. I set that as my goal back in 1957, so who are all these newbies out and about infringing on my territory? Out, out damned spots! You may have more lead in your pencils than I (in a manner of speaking), but I intend to be craftier at my craft than you. And so, the new less is the new more. I will find the right and write about it. Follow my lead with your lead.
• I intend to keep my fly zipped in 2015. There is nothing as pathetically “old” about a man as one who walks around with his fly open. You would think that such an old codger has nothing but sex on his mind. While that is more or less true in my case, still, I don’t believe in advertising, especially when there are so few willing consumers. It makes no sense at all to scare the daylights out of people you intend to wrestle to the floor and ravish. Anyhow, that is my resolution, and I will do my best to conceal it.
• This year I will actually play a round of golf. Up until now I have merely been practicing. This year is going to be the real thing. I will do all the things that real golfers do (or avoid doing). In the avoidance department, I will not swear at my fellow golfers. They are miserable enough without help from me. I will not offer my expert advice about their insanely inept swing. If they want to look like a retarded octopus whilst swinging a golf club, that is their problem. Besides, it only makes me look better. This resolution does not obligate me to be truthful about my score, or honest about my sexual prowess as a young man—on or off the golf course.
• In 2015 I will drink more. I sincerely believe that wine is the nectar of the gods, and partaking of their nectar is my earthly duty. I can think of no better way to show my appreciation for their handiwork than to drink the fruits of their labor. What’s good for them is good for me. But in the words of Clint Eastwood, “a man’s got to know his limitations.” I intend to find mine by first exceeding them. Then I will back off to the point at which I was still in control. This may take several visits to the brink in order to calibrate my sobriety meter. I might also use such knowledge in court. Any judge worthy of the title would certainly appreciate one who is in search of his or her limitations.
There is my list. May my conduct in the new year exceed my grasp, or what’s a new year for? I bid you adieu. I will report on my success rate as the year unfolds, or as often as my parole officer allows it. Happy new year, glückliches neues Jahr to one and all.
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