I've come to a decision. And for me it is a decision that I've longed to be able to reach for many, many years, though...'independent me' didn't know it. It has taken such a 'load off', really. I don't have to worry about keeping my 'image' intact...at all. 

I am now 72 years of age, and at this golden time in my life I can truly declare; I never want to feel the absence of fear based on the predication that I am fearless.  Please let me clarify.

What I am saying is; I never want to take the credit for my existence because of the trust that I have in my own ingenuity and capabilities. For, if I should, then I’d fall under the very sad delusion that my existence upon earth depends upon me…how 'brave', bold and strong...I am.

Therefore, I confess to the fact that I don’t trust myself at all. Why? Because I am human and often come short. I am glad to be able to admit that I am frequently fearful of many things, God being the number one thing. Amazingly, it was through this ‘learned’ fear of God that I acquired the wisdom to see Him for all He is and to see myself for all I am not. May I say that my fear of God is not a cowering one but a respectful and reverent one.

You should know, giving up the ‘reigns’ so to speak…was not easy. To have the mind of a strong, self-sufficient, independent individual then to find myself in a place where I had to face my insufficiencies and dependencies, was hard to accept. But it was necessary in order to Serve and Give God all the Glory 'He' is due. 

So I took off my 'survival' badges and ribbons. I put away my trophies and I realized that there’s a vicious war going on. It's a constant battle between good and evil and all bible believing, children of God, are under constant attack.

Hence, I don’t always feel like going on…but I do go on. I sometimes feel mentally drained…but I function. I hurt, emotionally, from time to time…stuff happens, usually something said or done but then, I can shrug it off and proceed. There are instances that I shed bitter tears, but after a while, I get over it and get it together. And make mistakes? Sure I do. Still, what really floors and shocks me is that…daily…I am in my right mind!

For all of the aforementioned I cannot take the credit, because I don't deserve it. If I had my own way, I'd leave the war. I'd say, 'to hell with it all' and I'd follow the world. But, miraculously, I am able to persevere and hold on to a desire to live for God, through no strength of my own. I know it’s not my strength because ‘of myself’ …my will is nil.

So then, from day to day as I progress through this earth, I am very careful to keep that egotistical nature that resides in me under constant check. If pride tries to raise its ugly head in an attempt to convince me of how 'utterly marvelous' and great I am to be able to stand against the wiles of this earth I immediately shoot it down. I wash away the grime of ego and pride in the stalk reality of what I know, without a doubt, to be true; it's All God!

I am still here and can be about doing what 'He' has called me to do not because I am tough, bold and fearless...not because I have chutz-pa! But it is rather, because I do not have, or am not, any of these things that...I can, I do and will continue to do ‘All’ things Through Christ, who strengthens me! Hallelujah!

Pvb 1:7 & 9:10, Ps 28:7, Ps 118:14, 2 Tim 3:12, & 2:3, Eph 6:13, 2^nd Sam 22:32-33,

Job 12: 12-13, Ps 27:13-14, Ps 9:2, Ps 21:13, Phil 4:13

copyright;jmsbell-10/16/2016