Writing poetry is fun. Rewriting and revision are something else
REVISION
Sometimes poems come to me almost prepackaged needing only a tweaking of
punctuation to be right on. Sometimes the task is more involved. I thought that it would be fun to walk through a revision.
This fragment is undated, but i found it in a folder of stuff that dates from the early ‘80's– I have no idea of the genesis of the poem. This is a transcription of the hand written original:
SUN ON SHADOW
ABOVE the branches and leaves of the wood
Move slowly in the wind. While, below
Dappled light and shadow danced on the forest floor
danced a lively jig amid the berries and the brambles
While [I?] stood still and silent contemplatin[g] their reels
As it stands there is much to correct. There are tense issues: Lines 1&2a. are present tense, the rest are past tense. There is also a disconnect between the slow movement of the overhead and the “lively jig” danced by light and shadow. “Dappled light and shadow” is
redundant– “lively jig” a bit of a cliche. So let’s try:
Overhead, the trees keep the beat
directing the music of the wind
with swaying limbs. Below
on the forest floor light and shadow
dance amid the berries and brambles
while standing still and silent
I contemplate their revels
Better. The music/dance metaphor now ties the poem together. It is still a bit wordy and the
shape is wrong. So let’s try:
Overhead,
the trees
keep the beat
conducting
the music
of the wind
with swaying limbs.
Below,
on the forest floor
light and shadow
dance
amid
the berries and brambles
while,
still and silent,
I
contemplate
their joys
That’s about right... note that I changed “directs” to “conducts” to strengthen the
music/dance metaphor. I also changed “revels” to “joys”, a clearer stronger word... I just
need a new title and it’ll be ready to post
I don’t usually go thru all the rationalization when I revise. I have developed, thru practice, a very strong intuitive sense of what is right and wrong, what fits and doesn’t fit. It is fun and instructive to go through this sort of exercise once in a while.
I often awake in the early mornings, with phrases, sometimes entire short poems, in my head! Often, I awake with the melody of an unknown tune playing in my mind. I quickly grab my little recorder from under my pillow or night stand and sing, hum, or recite the "offering" into it. Later, I replay and tweak it to my satisfaction.
I appreciate these articles, "My Poetics", that you have posted here on AD. They truly help me. Thanks!
good idea..in my prose, i go through innumerable revisions...and even in my poetry, i do so as well. i tend to stop tho', after the first series. if i go back a few days later and notice a gross grammatical error, i will change that, but it seems to me to be against the 'flow' of the poem to change it piecemeal days or years after its completed.
to me, a poem is indicative of a state of mind at a particular time. love it or leave it, it is what it is. the capturing of a particular frame of thought. but, i do understand where you're coming from, mr. zimmerman! write on!
I appreciate these articles, "My Poetics", that you have posted here on AD. They truly help me. Thanks!
to me, a poem is indicative of a state of mind at a particular time. love it or leave it, it is what it is. the capturing of a particular frame of thought. but, i do understand where you're coming from, mr. zimmerman! write on!