There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. All relationships are either in the process of getting better or getting worse. There is no middle ground.

The perfect relationship

Tim Connor, CSP

“Security is a superstition, it does not exist in nature. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.” Helen Keller

Is there such a thing as a perfect relationship? If so what does it look like? First let’s define perfect. Perfect – excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement. Want more? Flawless, ideal yada, yada, yada.

If you tell me you have a perfect relationship what you are saying indirectly is that both of you are perfect. Relationships are independent entities that are created when two people come together whether in marriage or any other type of arrangement. A relationship can’t be perfect because everything in nature has flaws or could improve in some way. Sooner or later we just have to learn to find joy in an imperfect sunset, mountain vista or child. Ask any grandmother and their grandson is perfect in every way. Ask anyone in love and they will say their mate is perfect. Compared to what? Is it really perfection or is it our view, attitudes, outlook, experience etc. that makes things perfect?

Perfection is a perception and perceptions depend on a variety of factors; age, experience, gender, life outlook, goals and attitudes to mention just a few. When a lover looks into the eyes of his or her new love they see only what they want to see – perfection. They tend to be willing or able to overlook perceived (personal opinions) flaws or faults in the beginning. But as time passes many of these same issues, traits or behaviors can become a source of aggravation and even conflict.

If all of this mumbo jumbo is true , and I believe it is –my perception – then there are no such things as perfect relationships just degrees of perfection based on the people’s willingness to overlook certain factors.

When I have asked if people have an ideal or perfect relationship I hear things like:

-He/she understands me. (All of the time? Every time? Come on let’s be honest here.)

-We have everything in common. (This can get a little boring don’t you think!)

-We never argue about anything. (Give me a break.)

-Our relationship is in a good place now. (What about last week or last year?)

-Flexibility and compromise are the bywords of our relationship. (Every time
– right!)

-I love everything about him or her. (Some stuff just hasn’t surfaced yet, just give it time.)

-We can talk about anything without conflict. (I hate to call people liars, but.)

So, are there perfect relationships? No, because there are no perfect people. Are there successful relationships? Yes, millions of them. What is the difference between perfect and successful? Re-read the previous paragraph and you will now see the difference. Here, I’ll help you.

- He/she understands me. (No - he or she doesn’t but can accept you for who you are anyway.)

- We have everything in common. (It is the ability to manage differences in relationships that counts.)

- We never argue about anything. (We can have conflict without invalidating each other.)

- Our relationship is in a good place now. (Good is defined as the present. We stay focused on what is now - not what was, has been or could be.)

- Flexibility and compromise are the bywords of our relationship. (We keep our ego in check.)

- I love everything about him or her. (I don’t like everything but it is who she/he is and I can learn to love unconditionally.)

- We can talk about anything without conflict. (We have learned to be honest with feelings and opinions without the need to be right or challenge each other.)

Don’t tell me you have a perfect relationship. Tell me you have a relationship that is getting better every day because each of you are learning the skills necessary to improve it.