By Anonomous (not this author).

4/26/05

Dear Phil,

I’m just writing to say that in case you wondered – about me, about my life, about what motivates me – I just want you to know that I just don’t care. I don’t care about anything – about you, about me, about others, about politics or social justice or anything. Maybe I should change my name to Idon’tcare. Maybe that’s what my name should be. Idon’tcare. Don’t ask me anything because I don’t care. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. That’s my bottom line. You’re hurting? I don’t care. Someone else is hurting? I don’t care. The whole world is hurting? I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. All I want is to be left alone. Just leave me alone. Don’t bother me; don’t ask anything of me.

Don’t ask me – I who have nothing, or less than nothing – to take care of you. Take care of yourself and leave me alone. Leave me alone to curl up in a corner; leave me alone to lick my wounds; leave me alone to take care of myself and nobody else. Leave me alone to figure out how to feel whole without admitting that I’m broken.

All I want is to be acceptable, to be accepted. I need to be able to play the game if I am to be acceptable. And I need to be able to do it NOW. I need to find a way to do it without admitting that I’m broken, because being broken in itself renders me unacceptable. And if I admit that I’m broken, I have to stop; I have to bow out of the game and tend to my brokenness. I can’t afford to do that. I’m already marginal as it is, and I can’t afford to lose any more ground and fall any further behind than I already am. I don’t have time to stop. So just leave me alone to figure out how to feel whole without admitting that I’m broken – so that I can play the game, so that I can keep up, so that I can appear normal, acceptable, likable. When I get that down, maybe I’ll be able to have some energy for you; maybe I’ll be able to care. Until then, just leave me alone, ok?

Your long-lost apathetic cousin,

Mark