1. If you haven’t quite figured out the “self-check out” line, please stay out of it. It’s not just that my milk turned sour once while I was waiting, it’s just so painful to watch you not get it. I would also avoid trying Rubik’s cube if I were you.
2. When you forward those really funny e-mails to everyone you know, try deleting 10 or 12 of the other forwarded levels first. By the time I get to the funny part, I’m too cranky to enjoy it.
3. When you’re getting gas at one of those places that has the little market inside, you might consider getting the gas first, parking, and then going in the store. That would be more thoughtful than hogging up a gas pump while you order a sandwich, fix your coffee, and use the restroom.
4. If you are one of those people that always lets your cell phone calls go right to message, try not to look at the name, and then ignore it while making a face. When you do this around other people, it makes us feel insecure.
5. If you want to park crooked and take up two spaces so that your car doesn’t get dinged, park at the extreme end of the parking lot. If it’s not worth the longer walk, then your car isn’t that cool anyway. (By the way, the rest of us spit on your car when you do this).
6. If you are a fan of any of the Philadelphia sports teams, root for a different team next season. Pick one that wins sometimes. It will be a lot better for your well-being, and the rest of us won’t have to deal with your depression. It’s just too hard to watch you suffer so.
7. Try to avoid using the phrase “It’s the thought that counts”. It’s not. It’s the actual act that counts. It should be O.K. to tell somebody about it when they give crappy gifts. Maybe they’ll get better at it.
8. When you decide to drink too much, try to remember to stand more than three inches from people when you talk to them. Also, obey the “Don’t drink and dial” rule. Nobody looks forward to your three a.m. phone calls that start with “I love you, man…”
9. Improve your driving manners. It is not mandatory to fill in any gap where your car will fit. Sometimes people prefer more than two feet between their bumper and yours.
10. Don’t ask people to take part in your e-mail chain letters; at least not for free. These things are a real pain in the neck to complete, particularly for the people that don’t have the required ten friends.
Also, we will not begin to rot from the feet up for breaking the chain, and we all know that Bill Gates isn’t going to send us each a quarter for every e-mail. (Even if your buddy, the lawyer, says so).
So, if you want others to complete this task for you, include your Visa number, and a suggested amount.
