This is a rewrite I rewrote after I reread it.

Now I’m not particularly fond of big towns so I tended to shy away from New York City most of my life until a time arrived that I just couldn’t get out of…The First Ever Annual Soybean Pickers Convention.

It was rumored that their big banquet bash at the end of the festivities would be a standup sit-down affair that included a free all you can eat buffet that some said may even have chicken, and I ain’t one to turn down a meal especially when it starts with the word free.

Now I gotta tell ya, I ain’t no soybean picker, I never picket a soybean in my life. I was with these folks cause I won the trip from a one-eyed fella in a low-class high stakes poker game. Actually he was easy to beat cause the one eye made it hard for him to distinguish when he had a pair of something. Most folks don’t know it, but when you look at a pair of anything your left eye looks at one and your right eye looks at the other. Lucky for me he folded with three jacks cause the highest card I had was a deuce.

As soon as I stepped off the boat and looked up at all the big buildings I was dazzled.

Now I don’t like to act like a tourist, but sometimes it’s even harder to act like you’re not one when you don’t know where you are, where you’re going, or how you’re going to get there.

The throngs of people rushing by made it hard to ask directions. Nobody would slow down to help me. I finally just grabbed someone and asked, “Where is the subway?”

He replied, “Two blocks that way and turn left.”

I followed his directions to the letter…no subway.

I asked another, “Where is the subway?”

“Go north for three blocks…you can’t miss it!”

I followed his directions…I missed it.

I grabbed another fellow, “Where is the subway?”

“Huh?”

“Where is the subway?”

He shook his head, “No ingish?”

A taxi was parked in an alley. Cab drivers know where everything is, so I went over to it. The passenger side was riddled with bullet holes and the driver had a towel wrapped around his head. I opened the door and smelled something I never smelled before. I asked if he spoke English?

“Yes I speak English very fluidly. I am not foreigner.”

“Well, I saw that thing on your head?”

“I am not Arab! This not turbine! I wear this to dry my hair.”

“Oh, Ok…ah, Can you tell me where the nearest subway is?”

“SHUT DOOR! SHUT DOOR! I NOT TELL WHERE SUBWAY IS! YOU WANT TAXI, I GIVE TAXI, BUT I NOT TELL WHERE IS SUBWAY!”

With that he threw the cab into gear, and drove off in a cloud of dust.
Actually that was just a figure of speech. What I meant was, he drove off in a cloud of dirt.

I wasn’t having any luck with men, so I grabbed a little old lady. She stuck a gun in my ribs. That sort of caught me off-guard.

She started to mumble something but her teeth fell out. When she bent down to pick them up I saw a brief opportunity to karate chop her in the back of the neck, but before I could make a move her grandson arrived and took the gun off her, begged my forgiveness, and pleaded that I not tell her parole officer.

Now I felt like one of those guys on Dragnet. I told him I was willing to make a deal. I said I’d let her off with a warning if he talked.

“If I talk?”

“Yeah! Spill the beans!”

“Spill the beans?”

“Yeah! Tell me where the subway is.”

A big sigh of relief came across his face, “That’s easy! Just go across the street and down those steps!”

I followed his finger with my eyes and saw the steps. When I looked back to thank him they had vanished into the crowd. I hurried across the street and as I descended the crowded stairway I saw a sign above that said, Subway. I was relieved.

However when I reached the lower level all I found was a train, covered in graffiti, picking up passengers?

I threw my arms above me and shouted, “What the heck is going on around here? All I want is a sandwich!”

By George