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Know the difference between aggressive, passive, and assertive communication. Recognize what it takes to be assertive.
The difference between aggressive, passive, and assertive communication has to do with intent.
- Aggressive communicators intend to conquer and to get their way.
- Passive communicators intend to avoid conflict no matter what.
- Assertive communicators intend to convey their thoughts in a respectful manner and to listen to others' thoughts as part of the communication.
No one is born being an assertive communicator. You learn it either from your environment or through study and practice. Here are ten ways that educators can be more assertive communicators.
- Pay attention to others who are clearly assertive communicators (keeping in mind that assertive communicators convey their thoughts, ideas, and requests respectfully--and then listen to others' responses and ideas). Observe and listen to what these folks do. If you notice a strong, admirable pattern of assertive communication, then ask these colleagues for their advice. Find out how they learned to be assertive. Ask them what they do to practice or prepare, particularly if they know the communication event is going to be difficult.
- Remember that communication comes largely through nonverbal means. When possible, take note of the body language used by others who are assertive. What facial expressions do they use? How do they hold their body? What seems unusual--but effective?
- Take note of (and maybe take notes on) what assertive people do as far as verbal tone, phrasing, and word choice. Do they seem to speak more quickly or more slowly? Or, are they matching the speed of those with whom they are talking? Do the words seem to be more or less formal than usual conversation? Do assertive communicators allow for pauses--or do they move right along? Does there seem to be any pattern?
- As you prepare to communicate in an assertive manner, think about what you are going to say before the actual interaction. Note: It isn't silly to practice aloud - several times - when it is an important conversation (and why have a conversation if it's not important?). You might choose to practice in front of a mirror, using a tape recorder, or with a trusted friend, colleague, or family member.
- Be clear on what it is you want when you are communicating assertively. Write it down ahead of time and then keep your main idea(s) in mind as you plan your communication.
- State exactly what you want to accomplish through your assertive conversation. Are you trying to get someone else to follow through on a commitment? Are you attempting to ask for cooperation on a project? Do you want to have the other person speak to you in a respectful manner? Be clear on what you want to accomplish. State it up front.
- Listen to what the other person has to say. An assertive encounter is a conversation. You talk. You listen. You talk. You listen. It doesn't mean you have to accept what the other person is saying, but you do need to listen (as long as he/she is being respectful and civil).
- Keep the goal of assertive communication in mind--i.e., respect, maintaining the relationship, "win-win" outcome. Remember your goals and intent as you prepare your comments as well as when the conversation is occurring. Intent, intent, intent. Respect, respect, respect.
- If your assertive communication didn't work out the way you'd planned, analyze what happened and improve on your future interactions. If someone else was an observer of the communication event, ask him/her for feedback. It's a learning process.
- Learn what assertiveness is and what it isn't. There are numerous books on this topic and it's worth going to the library to peruse a few titles.
As an educator, you run into situations with students, parents, administrators, colleagues, and other members of the community where assertive communication is needed. You don't want to resort to aggressive or passive communication, which is the default for many teachers. Learn to be an assertive communicator. Watch your self-respect soar--and be aware of what you are modeling for others at the same time.
Educators have the most influential positions in our society--and need every bit of support that can be mustered. Two resources that will help increase educators' sense of peaceful, predictable productivity are Meggin's weekly emails:
**Top Ten Productivity Tips
**Keys to Keeping Chaos at Bay
(c) 2008 by Meggin McIntosh, Ph.D., "The Ph.D. of Productivity"
Through her company, Emphasis on Excellence, Inc., Meggin McIntosh changes what people know, feel, dream, and do via seminars, workshops, writing, coaching, and consulting.
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