This past year, powerful women and role models provided perhaps the worst sort of examples of vindictive, vengeful behaviors displayed in the public domain for which the world, and our youth to comment  and imitate.

 Vindictive and Vengeful Women

A quick internet search of the actress, Jen Anniston, offers up 540,000 references with the additions of the phrase ‘woman scorned.’ Daily tabloids, gossip columns routinely provide the latest soap saga between the actress, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  Ivana Trump’s comeback in a similar situation, “Don’t get mad, get everything,” pales in comparison to the constant public whining to seek publicity by our girl next door.

Sarah Palin, according to a recent New York Times article, “pursued vendettas, fired officials who crossed her and blurred the line between government and personal grievance.”

It is widely believed that Hillary Clinton, during the grueling two-year fight for the Democratic nomination for president orchestrated a ‘win-at-all costs’ strategy.  In late March, 2008, when pundits and supporters politely suggested that she cede the race, the Telegraph, England reported that Clinton portrayed calls to quit as “male chauvinism.”

 A Guide to Charm

Coping, managing, fighting for and maintaining the leadership mantel at home, work, and politics, particularly in a male dominated world, requires that women reclaim the art of refinement. Often, professional women tend to overlook, dismiss this ancient art and instead overcompensate to the extreme for the perceived weaknesses associated with femininity, vulnerability and kindness.

In 1938, a little known book written by Valentine and Thompson,  Better than Beauty espoused the following principles.

•  There exist just two bad manners: those which are unkind and those which contribute to another person’s discomfort.
•  Yes, the average person is a bore. So are you. When people talk to you about things that interest them, give them an audience without interrupting. Soon you’ll have your chance to bask in the spotlight.
•  It is unwise to spill your physical, mental and spiritual trouble to a mere acquaintance. Your problems are your responsibility to solve.
•  When telling your story; be brief.

Applied Kindness Theory

In addition to these simple principles, the authors argued that kindness if not innate, can be learned. Some concepts of the Applied Kindness Theory follow.

 A simple thank you to acknowledge the kindness of others acts to connect one with others, the universe and to express recognition that we live not separately as individuals, but mutually as one, in one world.

Refrain from judgment. Emphatically judging the actions of others without care for their past history, personal situation, limitations and challenges creates an air of disloyalty, mistrust and confusion. What better way to lose friends and repel people?

 Ask a question. To stimulate conversation, rational thinking and to explore differing ideas and opinions; the Socratic Method remains the best form of learning and sharing with others. In the end, our purpose is not to pontificate about what we know, to obscure what we don’t, or to be puffed up with pride regarding the expansiveness of our BlackBerry, Rolodex or little Black Book, but how we share our space with a group of human beings, all trying to live together peacefully.

Offer help. If you see someone in an embarrassing or compromising situation, offer to help. There is always a new kid on the block; a marginalized colleague at work, scorned person in the church, harassed youth at school/community, berated service employee, or a harangued mother and wife. Lend a hand of support. In return the world will smile and you’ll gain a friend for life.

 Abstain from Self Sacrifice. According to the authors, “the martyr always advertises her nobility and is the most difficult of egotists.” Once one sacrifices one’s own needs and desires for someone else, sooner or later special treatment for the sacrifice will be expected. “Silent suffering, the authors write, “is a nasty form of vanity.”

Finally, the last and perhaps the most important concept derived from the book was to

Face the Facts. Ms. Caroline Kennedy’s recent and very public attempt to obtain the appointment of former Senator Hillary Clinton’s seat as New York Senator reflected less upon her own capabilities and more upon her failure to acknowledge her true nature. An analysis of her personality traits, personal story, unique challenges and accomplishments; the search for alignment with her individual mission with the needs and demands of the constituency would have prevented public humiliation.  Ms. Kennedy, the embodiment of refinement and civility is worthy of much more than New York has to offer. Hopefully, she will learn to accept and live with herself in due course.

These lessons too must  all women business owners, managers and parents learn along with Jen Anniston, Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton as we model appropriate behaviors to the world and teach our daughters the forgotten art of refinement.

Dr. Mead, PhD, MBA, MA http://www.ishareknowledge.com is a consultant specializing in human behavior, school and social psychology. She can be contacted at: tonya.ishareknowledge.com