No summary. You'll have to read it or else.

I'm fed up with sad, horrible funerals so I want something different. Actually, I want it to be like a cocktail party with a bit of a buffet thrown in. Is this asking for too much? Let's see, if I'm cremated, which is my heart's desire, that's a savings there. Obviously, I won't need a permanent coffin so why not just rent the thing? That's another savings, right? Then there are certain belongings that someone should like to possess, surely. Those could be sold off ASAP. All these savings can be used to rent the hall or whatever, and to buy succulent little shrimp, sausage balls, the prune and bacon tidbits(I really love those.), and a variety of liquids, of course(beverages). I also want some chilled fruit balls, cantaloupe, for instance, one can pierce with a toothpick and pop in(but no toothpicks in people's mouths while they mill around please).
High quality is a priority. Instead of saying it's a funeral, we could say it's a farewell observance/function. How does that sound? It's better than farewell party, isn't it? What time, now, is the question. Should it be a.m. or p.m? To fit noon into the observance is also a possibility. It could be from 10 a.m. to 12:30 or 1 p.m. The thing is, there should be enough time to allow for the different work demands my friends, admirers and loved ones have. Conversely, there shouldn't be so much time that the hall will be practically empty for an hour or two. A thing like that is so noticeable, isn't it, not to mention wasteful economically speaking?
Dress code. I really see no reason people should dress so terribly special, although I would be unhappy at the idea of slobs milling around. Let's say any kind of clothes, but those keeping within the bounds of neatness; so, nicely-pressed jeans and unmarred squeaky-clean sneakers should pose no problems. I can't think of everything here, but I HAVE set the tone. It shouldn't be so difficult to go from there. Last but not least, not a tear! No way. If there's a "mourner" who cannot contain her/himself, s/he perhaps shouldn't show up at all. Why tears if things are gonna be better? It's poppycock's what it is! Of course, if one cries before or after the observance, that's up to her or him. Cannot be helped, can it? Now what we need is a catering firm who will be able to see to all of this.
Finally, when will I be going? That, of course, we've been told already. "No man knoweth the hour," is what Saints Peter and Paul said, among many other wise things. But we're not very good listeners, are we?

P.S. On re-reading this, I find it may not belong in humor. I might be serious! Ciao.