TALKING AT VS. WITH A PERSON

by

Bill Cottringer

Better Communication

Talking at a person,

Is rarely productive;

Talking with a person,

is what gets results;

Talking at a person,

conveys unwanted things--

judgment, control, superiority;

manipulation, insensitivity, certainty;

Talking with a person,

gives each the wanted things--

Acceptance, freedom, equality;

Spontaneity. empathy and tentativeness;

Then what is being said,

Gets heard with how it is said,

Along with what isn't said.

Leading to better communication.

     We have all experienced both being talked at and talking at others. This is easily remembered by earlier experiences in a variety of relationships including child and parent, student and teacher, athlete and coach, husband and wife, minister and congregation, and employee and employer.Talking at another person, rarely results in productive communication. Here's what usually happens with this version of talking at and being talked at:

• People rarely hear information that is being imposed onto them without asking for it or having a say about it.
• It usually creates a defensive tone of communication that shuts down the needed exchange. This is because the things that people least like to hear are being conveyed--superiority, judgment, control, insensitivity, manipulation, and certainty.
• What is missing are the things that help productive communication under a supportive tone, such as equality, acceptance, freedom, empathy, spontaneity and tentativeness.
• What is being said is usually missed because how it is being said is to loud, along with what is not being said, being missed too.
• When this style of communication is over-used, then the person, along with his or her words, are dismissed and disregarded as not important.

     On the other hand, when both people are talking with each other, here is what usually happens:

• A supportive tone is created with the above valuable qualities missing that are associated with a defensive tone.
• Two-way communication occurs, which is always more productive and satisfying than one-way communication.
• Two-eared listening is used to catch everything that is being communicated--the what, how and why of it, along with what may be unsaid but still important.
• The communication of beliefs, assumptions, theories, ideas and feelings don't cause irreconcilable conflicts, allowing both people to learn and grow by understanding another's perspective.
• Both people feel respected, valued and understood, which is what we all want and need.

     Talking with another person, rather at him or her, is a habit that requires nurturing. But first, it is a good idea to stop and ask a trusted friend--Which side of the aisle are you spending most of your time? When you spend most of your time talking with others, you will be amazed at how much you learn and can use elsewhere. Plus you won't have any complaints about the results you get or how you feel. All ends well when you start talking with people and stop talking at them.