She's acted like a dog before

Wife Won’t Go Away

My Xwife learned how to cook from Lisa Douglas in Hooterville. If you ever watched Green Acres you’ll know why I ate out a lot.

Just got a call from my Xwife’s team of specialists at the…
Frank & Stein Pandemonium Hospice and Asylum.
They had to put it on “amplified speaker” because all of them could not fit in one room.

They said she claims to have been bitten by a dog.
I asked if the dog is dead?
No.
Then it did not bite her.
Long moment of silence followed by hush.

She howls at the moon.
During a full moon?
No, during the day.
How is that possible?
We thought you might know?
Beats me?
She acts like a dog during a full moon.
She always acts like a dog. Haven’t you done a diagnostic? Don’t you watch her?

We tried putting her in a straightjacket, but she won’t stop squirming…She’s never going to get out of it?
She’s not trying to get out of it.
Then what is she doing?
I’m afraid it’s my fault. I told her if she can shake hands with herself, she’ll win a cookie.

Does that include everybody?
No, just her.

You say she’s acted like a dog before?
You should have seen her after I took her duck hunting.
She was bitten by a duck?
No, a frog.
She was bitten by a frog?
How’d you know?
You just told me.
Told you what?
Why do you think she was bitten by a frog?
She said she was bitten…I saw a dead frog…yada yada yada.

Do you think things that bite her die?
I’ll never bite her.

Well there’s something to this dog thing?
Why do you say that?
She’s gnawed a hole through the padding in her cell, er…suite.
She started doing that after she was bitten by a mouse.

She’s banging her head against the hole in the wall.
Those types of things wouldn’t be happening if you would have electrified her walls like I told you to.
You won’t pay the electric bill.
What part of “I’m not her husband anymore,” don’t you understand?”

You can still take care of her.
Why would I want to do that?
She always says she’ll take care of you.
Yeah, she’ll take care of me like a gangster takes care of a witness.
What do you mean?
She got that idea from watching reruns of that old show about two men and a dumb kid. I thought it was cute her always walking around saying she’d take care of me, until that old show came around again and I saw it.

Do you think she’s dangerous?
She bought a gun.
A gun you say?
Yes, I walked in on her with it in the kitchen.
Did that go well?
No.
No?
I said, “Don’t put a gun to your head unless you intend to use it!”
What happened?
She used it.
She pulled the trigger.
OMG! You mean she killed herself?
No, you idiot. How could she be with you now if she killed herself?
Good point.

It was not a real gun.
Not a real gun?
No, broke my heart.
What was it?
It was a water pistol.
A water pistol?
She almost drowned.

Penwose Out,
By George
NoPo8