Pain seeker that I am

I take the razor

Slice my skin.

Watch the blade cut,

Yet, I don't feel a thing

So I do it deeper

Again

Pain seeker that I am,

Take the lighters flame.

Then hold it near my skin…

Watching

See the blister

Smell flesh burn,

Yet, it still does not

Cover this pain

Within

Pain seeker that I am,

I see old scars

From blades and burns.

Some lessons are never learned.

I know all this sounds insane.

Trying to end my life

with one slice of a vein.

Ironically,

Death was not always my goal.

Most of the time it was to

simply let go.

Feel the physical pain…

Cover the scars that are not seen..

The ones on the inside..

Blood thirsty dreams

The pain within is the worst by far…

Worse than razors!

Worse than fire!

It is an eternal pain

Tiny blades to my heart..

Blood flowing slowly

Filling my soul with every drop..

Memories and emotions

That won't let me be.

That is my torment eternally

After all

I am

The seeker of pain--

See the me of the past.

---the girl over there.

Bandaged arms--

Strawberry hair

The one with no face--

A number

A case

She has no family

Doesn't want friends.

Just another girl

In the system of

Warehoused children.

How those years

Continue to haunt 

To this day.

Feeling so unwanted

Scared

Alone

Guilty and imprisoned.

For what?

She doesn't know--

A girl with no face

No name--

That child-- that girl--

That seeker of pain.