Where were you

When the mist fell

On the moist skin of my hope

The day I was born
And the glory of the sun

Forever dimmed…

I was taken away

With no explanation

Made to feel guilty even

Left to cry for paradise lost

For the rest of my days

The stillness of waxen days

Rosy cheeks, white apron

You couldn’t deal with life

A doll was what you should have bought

For your frozen child-bride

But it was me, murdered

Love deprived:

A trophy for your perfection!

Who knew of the other side?

A surviving flower

Proud in poor soil…

You set the example for many others

Feeding off me

Where were you, the failed protector

The one who enabled robbers

And rapists, the bitter, the envious,

The fat bigoted haters, the occasional psychopath,

The frustrated and isolated,

The sad faces of predators in need?

Abducted from the vital froth

Of those mild waves of blue

And the endless strength of eternal

Springs and summers that no winter

Could ever tame

I 

Wanted to hold those rocks where I used to climb

From the sea

My body strong and wet

Slightly cutting my skin to feel the mineral truth

Of my powerful young core, a creature from the Mediterranean

Who could plunge again at its heart to reunite

And feel whole.

Kidnapped instead to a nowhere

Of hostile solitude and frozen bricks

To isolate every vessel of my heart

Betrayal was everywhere

Because you had spilled my blood

To attract the beasts 

While you climbed that ladder for comfort

And a soft blanket you never wanted to share

Where were you when that part of you

Intimidating, yelling, too present, yet gone…

The next minute, ice-cold blade

Could barely separate from the crisp hurt

Those soft tears that drowned my solitary music.

But wait, where were we?

Who can remember us?

Nomads in disguise, officially transparent expats

With no anchor, with no root?

_ _

I remember that day, I inspected the insipid suburban

Garden that you, lying as usual, were trying to sell me;

A long, dirty worm was a frightening sight

For a child

“Make sure you cut it in many pieces, so that none survives”

I wonder if you were talking about me

I’m still looking for my weak heart and my legs

Disconnected and lost, wherever you wanted to bury me 

Non-places that hurt every parcel of my older being

A life spent trying to mend.

And that other day…

Where were you when I was on the asphalt pavement

Waiting for someone who would lift me

And save my broken body

While you were showering, they said.

I was little different from roadkill

An injured animal, so young 

On the arrow of time;

Still playing games and trying to intimidate the clock

By yelling at it, while shaking and negotiating

As cowardly as you could

You let the minutes, seasons, years and decades

The yellow stains on walls decide, 

Until the stern blades of time

Slowly penetrated your sternum 

Leaving you unable to decree

Hands clasped on rotting fruits

That you wouldn’t eat and wouldn’t share

And all the while, where was I?

A destitute man, you cried

Yet nothing was where it should have been, 

Not the soft words

Not even the dry old hand

No, you weren’t there

So where was I? Where could I be?

Failed traveler that left from the hole in the ceiling

Parchment skin that missed its purpose of giving

You only created another absentee 

I’m still wondering what my role should have been

Until coming to terms with the life-long sickness

That finally, finally left with you, and welcoming

With all the warmth I have inside

A presence of my own.

You are now where you always were:

In your nowhere.