Stuck in a Dream


I am not so sure if this is what I wanted. The things I missed, the things I thought I will soon be doing, as soon as I am through with what I am doing now. This is what I get today. I didn't ask for this. I never thought that this will happen. I am still young, still a lot to do. I don’t wanna die, I can't die here, there is so much to do. I want to cry, cry out loud but I promised myself I wont cry. Am I a prisoner here. My thoughts are too scattered. I have to put them in a straight line. What happened here? Why am I here? I wanted everybody to believe I was brave. I went beyond the “Nobody Allowed - The trespassers will not come back sign”. What happened then? Why the hell I don't remember. Sam asked me yesterday why I don't I ask April out. I told him I was afraid. I gave him a story as I always do. But now I know I am in a story. Its not as simple as it is looking. I can't move but it is not because I am bound to something. I am feeling cold because I am completely naked. Why can’t I see anything. Am I blind? Am I dead? Is this hell?

Calm down. Getting agitated wont get you anywhere. The whole point of coming here was to prove I was not a coward. I don't want to look into the mirror every morning and see complaint in my eyes for not being able to stand up for myself and the girl I liked. I was standing right there, right in front of them when Rahul started verbaly abusing her. I knew he was stronger than me. I knew he would beat me into pulp. What was I thinking? I was thinking about the future, what will happen if i will fight. I knew one of us will land in hospital if I entered the fight. I know the screenshots of after-fight mess I saw in my mind were bad, but what happened after that was even worst. She cried, looked at me with those eyes full of tears like complaining that I deceived her, abandoned her. I think it was my illusion. I don't even think she knows I like her. She is just little sister of my friend. This is one of the reasons I was not able to ask her out. I don't know what would have happened if I would have told her that I like her. Nothing more than what is happening to me now. 

Why the hell I can't move my head. My arms are still moving to a limit I can move them a little above my waist vertically but my nose is touching something when i move up. There is something very close to me just covering my face, rather covering my whole body. What is on my sides? Something is stopping my movement. Is it something I always feared? I should not think about that. I should not even think like that. But this is something like that. This feeling is the just like I am closed in a coffin or a box which is just fit for me.

My heart, its racing like it will explode right now. I used to get uneasy by watching those shots in the movies where people were stuck in small places. I don't know when this fear took ground in my mind and when I started to see all the closed places as something to be afraid of. I decided I won't go to any place which made me feel like that. But what now. I am definitely in a coffin. Calm down. Start doing something, divert your mind. But how? I can not even move my arms. Even this thought is giving me creeps. I want to die. Kill me somebody please.

Think of something, anything, just divert your mind. Think of the world you were in. What happened in high school. I had one friend in whole school. That's how I liked it perhaps. I knew nobody and nobody knew me. I was, like, transparent. People passed by me without noticing me and I was afraid of somebody noticing me. I was afraid of everything. What will happen if I was not in complete uniform? What if somebody noticed me? What will happen if I stare at that girl's boobs or her ass? NOTHING WAS GONNA HAPPEN. It was just that you were a coward even to think of doing something like that. You were so fucked up not doing anything still thinking you were the greatest. 

I just can not keep thinking about past and just not think about the thing at hand. This will not change in a few hours when I will be done cursing myself over my past mistakes, or may be I know I ll keep cursing myself for whole of my lifetime and wont get time to think about right now. I think that is what I did in the past, I always thought about the past and the present problems kept on becoming my past, for me to worry about in future, because I never did anything about them.

Am I buried as well. Stop thinking about the worst, concentrate on the single problem. OK again, I am in a coffin, buried or not and I have to get out. But if I am closed in a casket where is the air coming from. There must be some hole. I can not turn. I am fit in this place. Let us see how much space do I have above my waist. I can put a hand on my chest without touching the top of the box, and another hand on the first. This gives me around an inch of space. But that's about it. Giving allowance, it must be around one and a half inches. Its not enough for me to turn over. I can not see any light above till where I can see. Its odd, Why still my eyes are not able to see anything? Why are they not adjusting to lack of light?

Let us assume the hole for air is either below me or on the side walls and I cant get to the hole to peep outside.  I don't have anything to scratch and make a hole on top of the box. Well I can try to smash it with my fist. There is not just enough space. But I have to do something. "ouch" it hurts I don't know how could I even think that i will be able to kill somebody with my punch, I can't even hit hard enough on this wooden box. That's it, I am going to die here. No way i can get out of here. I can't breath, I can't see. I am going to die here of hunger and thirst. I am feeling hungry already. There is nothing I can do. I can't cry I promised. Stop, stop it immediately, I have to stay calm these thoughts are killing me before hunger does.