BETTER RELATIONSHIPS OVERNIGHT

By Bill Cottringer


There are a lot of books that tell us how important “attitude” is in success, especially in personal relationships. I am beginning to think there is only one particular attitude that matters most in being successful in anything—open-mindedness to possibilities. And this “attitude” is really just a group of strong thoughts:

• I really don’t know as much as I want others to think I know.
• The more patience I can have, the better, but it is hard.
• If I focus more on what I am thinking and doing now, and less on the results that I am not getting, I might do better.
• When I have set expectations for preferred outcomes, those expectations usually get in the way.
• God gave me unlimited potential to learn, grow and improve, and sometimes I just need to get out of my own way.

There are five open-minded actions that you can embrace overnight, which will help you get immediate results in improving the quality of your personal relationships. The main thing to focus on is your own resistance to believing and doing these few simple things that are guaranteed to get positive results.

• Admit to yourself that you really don’t have your own life figured out yet, let alone the relationship you are in, which could always be better. Accepting reality is always a good thing to do.
• Don’t fret so much about the results or lack of them, but rather put your energy into changing one small thing about how you communicate your love in the relationship. Let go of your concern for all rest of the uncontrollable things that just waste your time and energy.
• Shift your focus away from what is wrong or missing in the relationship and pay more attention to what is right and present. Want what you have and you will have what you want.
• Realize this helpful truth: The problems, conflicts and stresses we have today require very creative solutions. The most creative solutions are questions that challenge our most sacred beliefs and sure ideas. This is real open-mindedness. (Note: That is not saying to discard the few truths that govern your life and give you strength, meaning, purpose and certainty).
• The more you accept a relationship the way it is, the freer you allow it to be, so it can grow and improve naturally. Impatience for expected outcomes from your interventions is what holds the relationship hostage and keeps it from growing.

And, if these actions are appealing enough to consider, think about some common thoughts that may need re-thinking:

• How do you view conflicts? Are they unpleasantness to avoid or opportunities for you to learn and grow?
• What is it you want most in the relationship? What are you doing or not doing to not get it?
• Are you expecting to get the same thing back that you are giving in the relationship? Are you possibly missing the opportunity to appreciate something of equal or greater value?
• What is acceptable “fairness?” What happens when you through away the score card?
• What do you really have control over? What are you not doing to use that power?
• How do you define a good relationship? Success? Happiness? Love? What is the relationship between your definition and what you have now?

Good questions can help you get on the right track in relationships. This is because they can help you become more aware of the things that are keeping you from getting from where you are to where you want to be—reasonably happy, content and satisfied with your efforts to close this gap. Eventually you will realize this gap is mostly imaginary once you understand the value of open-mindedness. Here is a parting thought: The only things that evolve all by themselves in a relationship are stress, friction and miscommunication. And even when you are not totally responsible for getting yourself in the hole you may be in, it would be irresponsible not to do everything you can to get out of that hole.


William Cottringer, Ph.D. is President of Puget Sound Security, Business Success Coach, Sport Psychologist, Writer and Photographer from Issaquah, WA. He is author of Passwords To The Prosperity Zone, You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too, and The Bow-Wow Secrets. Bill can be reached for comments and questions at (425) 454-5011 or bcottrigner.pssp.net