I’ll be the first to admit that I did some embarrassing, strange, and downright stupid things as a child. I learned from my mistakes though, and I owe a huge thanks to the older generation that helped correct my path along the way. With that in mind, I feel like now is the right time to pay back the favor and set some older family members straight on a few things regarding Facebook etiquette. Like my friend Joel says, “your parents? They will do some STIFLING shit to your Facebook, man.”
So this is for the parents, relatives, and random old people that I am somehow associated with on Facebook. You clearly have no idea what you’re doing on there, so let me break it down for you… there’s a few things you need to understand.
1. First, understand that Facebook was set up to keep in touch with peers and share pictures with your friends. A peer-to-peer social network, a college yearbook gone digital. Now it’s become so huge that virtually everyone is on it. That’s all well and good, but let’s be clear about one thing - It’s called Facebook, not Familybook. It is not your personal scrapbook to post embarrassing childhood photos of me and write XOXOXO all over my timeline every day.
2. Dad, don’t add my girlfriend as a friend. We’ve only been together a few months and you haven’t even met her. Here’s the deal – when we are engaged to be married, then you can add her. That’s your cue. Until then, don’t do it. If we break up I know what my exit plan is… what’s yours? Are you gonna unfriend her? The odds are that I am. Or maybe you’ll stay in touch, update me once in a while on what she’s up to? That’s the problem, you’re like a loose cannon of unpredictability on the world wide web.
3. Let’s add something to that last point – don’t add anyone you don’t personally know to Facebook. That’s weird. There might be a few exceptions to this – that relative over in Holland that everyone has on their Facebook but you haven’t met yet – that’s okay. Other than that it’s a no-go. For the record, yes, I personally know every individual that I call a friend on Facebook. That should be your goal.
4. Do not click like on some post on my timeline from 8 months ago. That’s creepy. I post a lot of crap on my wall, so I know how much time it took you to scroll back that far to find that post. Do you not value your own time? I feel like you’re doing a research project on me. Creeeeeeeeeeepshow. We generally live in the present on Facebook… post something funny, have a laugh, and move on. We don’t research people’s lives and if we do we sure as shit don’t broadcast it by clicking “like” on some ancient status.
5. Don’t take everything so literal. I’m not actually going to run for mayor next term. Thank you, though, for your encouragement.
6. Please don’t ask for clarification on an acronym or phrase that I or one of my friends used in a comment. I really don’t want to have to explain what HNIC means on my Facebook wall, Mom. It’s bad enough you thought LMFAO was “laugh my face off” and you posted it all over everyone’s timeline. Though even that pales in comparison to the time you thought “LOL” meant “lots of love” and posted it on Uncle Ron’s funeral status. When in doubt, urbandictionary.com is your friend.
7. Don’t invite other people to play Candy Crush. Like Joel says, “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY CANDY CRUSH!” Seriously though, game invites are sooooo irritating. Thank god Facebook added a feature to stop them.
8. Don’t comment/share/tag me on every post. Let’s have some breathing room here.
9. Don’t involve me in personal or family feuds. Yes Aunt Linda, I’m sorry to hear that your son’s best friend has blocked you on Facebook, has a terrible wife, and is not speaking to his parents. No – I will not talk to him about it on Facebook – I met the guy one time and I don’t do cyber interventions. Personally I thought he was a decent guy, what he does in his private life is his own business.
10. Yes, I know, it looks like I’m partying my face off in every picture. I’m not exactly going to post pictures of myself studying or at work though, now am I?
11. When you see me online this does not indicate that it’s time to chat or that I’m available for a phone call. Mom, please don’t lose your mind when I don’t respond to your messages right away. I like being connected to you, but we cut the umbilical cord shortly after birth for a good reason.
12. I know you feel passionately about your religion and politics, but please don’t bust out your highly opinionated rant on my timeline and submarine the conversation. Again, this was originally meant to be a peer network, and I want to hear what my peers have to say. I want to know your opinion too, but we can talk about it over dinner at your house on Thursday night, ok?
13. The things you write on Facebook are there permanently – or at least until I delete them – and are viewed by a wide audience. You can get away with saying some of the wild shit you say to us in person because it’s only in front of a few people and the words are gone when the moment is over. When you post something online it is potentially there forever… that shit will hold up in a court of law. So go easy… slow your roll… and please censor what you write.
14. Don’t creep girl’s profiles trying to find a suitable girl for me to date. I’ve got that handled; I don’t need to be setup by “Mom the digital matchmaker”. Let’s face it, you’re not Patti Stanger, and I’m not a millionaire. End of story.
We know you guys love us and you want more insight into our lives. That’s great, but please listen to us on this one – we’ve been dealing with social media for years longer than you and we made some of these exact same mistakes back in 2006. We grew from our mistakes, and you can too. Facebook is a pretty cool place to hang out. Let’s keep it that way.
Love you guys :)
Yet, I find that my 89-year-old mother "likes" Facebook even though she, through small mini strokes, has basically lost her ability to use a computer. I have also found that much of the younger generations in my family no longer share pictures and emails with me because they are "on Facebook." So, in spite of my better judgment, I may have to go on Facebook just to find out what's happening in my family. Face-to-face conversation seems to be fast becoming a lost art for instant gratification and gossip. If I was on Twitter, I'd twitter that right away as my thought for the day. ;-)
Ron