Essay - Unpublished

 *Note: Abusers come in both genders, make no mistake about that!

*Special note should be made of the fact that ALL of the reasons and excuses given by the abuser for his/her actions are carefully constructed to shift the complete responsibility for his behavior to the person he is abusing. In his world, it is always their fault and they always deserve the abuse. In attempting to understand this kind of logic, the impartial observer eventually arrives at this conclusion: While the abused person does, for a variety of reasons, empower the abuser, there is no legitimate or logical excuse for the abuse of that power.

Licking Your Wounds

I.        Verbal battering is just as real and damaging as physical battering. In fact, of the two, verbal abuse is more invidious, cowardly, and sadistic.
          It can be done in private using the flimsiest of excuses (or none at all), to launch an unexpected verbal assault on the usually bewildered victim. (What did I do or say to provoke that?)
          It can be and is often done in public with cutting, demeaning, and otherwise humiliating remarks made in front of any available audience. This method is very effective when used by a "double-bind" expert, which most skilled verbal abusers are. They quite neatly create a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation:
          First, if the victim of the assault responds in any way, the abuser turns to his audience with a long-suffering "see how awful she is" expression, thus absolving himself of all blame for her behavior, and neatly denying provocation. If the victim evinces any further response, the abuser quickly creates another scenario by saying she is too sensitive and can't take a little joke. Voila! Another double-bind created and another assault launched.
          Second, if the victim does not respond, it is perceived by the audience that she obviously deserved it because an innocent person would defend themselves, and surely the man wouldn't attack his wife in public unless she was very bad, indeed. (Where can I run and hide?)

II.       Other than divorce and/or separation involving lots of distance, the verbally abused wife has no legal protection or recourse anywhere in the world.
          It seems that the old "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me", true or not, is the tune to which the verbally abused, emotionally battered wife must dance if she stays in such a relationship. (But I'm so tired of dancing!)

III.       The reasons used by the abuser to justify his behavior are many and varied. They range from feeble, to illogical, to downright fantasy, and lying is the common denominator of them all. He always has a reason for the assault and the reason always absolves him of all blame.

          Here is a list of the most often used excuses and reasons given for abuse:

She always starts it. She always asks for it. She always asks stupid questions. She always talks too much. She always whines. She always nags. She always complains. She always interrupts while I am watching television. She is always childish. She always wants something. She never listens to me.
Note the persistent use of the psychologically-loaded word "always".

           What the abuser leaves unsaid is interesting:

She tries to talk about problems. She says something I don't want to hear. She didn't agree with me. She dared to venture an opinion of her own.

IV. The verbal abuser will occasionally admit that perhaps he said something that might possibly be construe d as being unkind, but, of course, it was her fault because:

I just got up. I just got home. I just woke up from my nap. I was tired. I was stressed out. I was in no mood to be bothered with her stupid talk. I was watching television. I was thinking. I was reading. The list goes on to cover practically every aspect of daily life, up to and including I was on my way to the bathroom.

V.       Then, we enter the realm of fantasy, usually resorted to when she has been almost mute for hours, days- -and sometimes weeks- -in an effort to avoid abuse:

          She rattled dishes too loudly in the kitchen. She didn't control the children. She let the children get on my nerves. She made too much noise with the washing machine/dishwasher/vacuum cleaner. She moved around the house too much and made me nervous. And, of course, the most-used of all, the old tried and true "Well, I knew what she was thinking."
          One can readily see that the "long-suffering" abuser is never responsible for his loud, angry voice, and his continual outpouring of vicious words...words that demean, hurt, and frequently cause deep emotional wounds that never have time enough to heal before the next attack. (Please God, don't let him see how badly that one hurt me!)

VI.      When you examine the reasons and excuses the abuser has in his defense arsenal, it is clear that they, too, are an overt attack filled with disapproval and criticism of every word she speaks, every move she makes, and every thought she thinks. When the abuser gives a reason or excuse, he subjects the victim to a secondary attack on her very personhood, one every bit as vicious and hurting as the original, and distinctly aimed at proving the abuser's power and control while effectively reinforcing the victim's feelings of helplessness and worthlessness. (Did I do or say that? Is that the truth? Am I really that terrible and don't realize it?)
          And the victim? Eventually they will succumb to self-loathing, despising themselves. Why? Because surely no sane person would punish another in such a manner unless they deserve it, would they? (Would they?)
          The answer is a resounding "Yes!" An otherwise apparently sane, apparently functional person, one with severe emotional problems of their own- -coupled with a wide streak of sadism and more than a little cowardice- -would do just that! And do it, and do it, and do it for the sheer feeling of power and control it gives them, mixed with the satisfaction of inflicting pain. Make no mistake...they know what they are doing and they know that it is wrong. That is why they always have a ready reason or excuse for their behavior, plausible or not, to avoid disapproval from outsiders.

VII.      Now we come to the obvious question, the one that everyone except the abuser, and that includes the victim, asks:
          Why does a person stay in a situation like this?
The verbal abuser stays because it is the life he has created for himself for his own pleasure and enjoyment. For the verbally abused wife, the honest answer is fear. Not so much fear of physical harm, but make no mistake, the verbal abuser can work himself into rages that can end in physical abuse. In the case of the victim of verbal battery, the answers are more diverse, but still based on fear...fear of being alone, of facing the outside world, of making wrong decisions, of being unable to cope, financial fear, fear of every kind, size, shape, color, and variety. Added to this is the self-loathing and self-doubt instilled and nurtured by the abuser. If you feel alone and worthless and afraid long enough, it becomes your reality, and abuse is the price you pay for the "security" of your prison. (I don't know where to turn or what to do! I can't cope! I'm afraid!)

VIII.        Seeking help through marital counseling? If the abuser actually agrees to it, it frequently becomes a farce wherein the abuser insists that he has no problems other than trying to cope with a wife who does seem to have problems, lots of problems. He is a very nice, long-suffering man who is putting up with this complaining, neurotic, insecure woman who has an over-active imagination, who suffers from a severe case of super-sensitivity, and who always takes a little joking banter personally. Clearly, she has problems ... and besides, he didn't do anything wrong. He is a caring, loyal, loving person, as anyone can see. (Am I crazy? Am I all the things he says I am? Is he right?)

IX.      And what if the abused wife declares independence, issues ultimatums of her own, and leaves the abuser? With any luck at all, she will make it just fine.
          And the abuser? Why he will immediately look for another victim. He must have one because his whole self-image is dependent upon having one. He needs one. The abuser has a special hunting technique all his own, too. He becomes Mr. Charming, Mr. Engaging Personality, Mr. Undivided Attention, displaying all those attributes women, including his current victim, find so attractive.
          In fact, he probably has practiced and flaunted these "hunting techniques" right in front of his current victim - - perhaps just after verbally abusing her unmercifully - - deepening her wounds by making it very clear that this other woman is all the things the current victim is not, and thus worthy and deserving of the respect, attention, and decent treatment he is giving her. (If she knew the truth about him, she would run! Run, lady! Get away from him!)
          And what of the prospective new victim? Once inside her guard, easier done than one might think, the abuser probes for weaknesses, insecurities, and vulnerabilities, testing her self-image and self -confidence. In his mind, every positive characteristic - - innocence, loyalty, kindness, gentleness, unselfishness, morality, principles - - are seen as weaknesses. All can and will be exploited by the abuser if he snares her.
          And her weaknesses? A veritable gold mine of abuse possibilities! Even better if she is sensitive and intelligent enough to realize that she is being abused, misused, and degraded!
          You can be sure, within six months - - if he can wait that long - - the abuser will begin to destroy another victim. And the charm? The attentiveness? The attractive personality? All those things he used to attract her in the first place? Why, they become another weapon in his abuse arsenal. After all, if the victim deserved to be the beneficiary of these desirable things he had once showered upon her, if she had not failed to meet his standards, had not proven herself to be so totally worthless, such a failure as a woman and wife, she would still be receiving them.
          No, there is no logical reasoning with this kind of abuser. There seems to be no treatment for it, no cure. It is a repetitive pattern of behavior hidden behind a double wall of lies intended to conceal it from the outside world. Certainly, the abuser will deny it until the day he dies. That's one lie, his lie. The feelings of loyalty and duty to preserve the family the victim might feel, the shame and embarrassment of admitting how weak she is to allow and endure such degradation for any reason, and the nagging fear that everything he says might be true , keeps the wall intact with the second lie, her lie. It takes two, one to do and one to empower.

* * *As a footnote for further reading, refer to "Women- -Yesterday, Today, And Tomorrow" located at http://www.adellebradford.org/readingroom/Pages/Tangents/tangentindex.html (copy/paste into browser).