One of the biggest problems in relationships is when one person invalidates the other. Learn how to handle these people.

Are you an invalidator?

What is an invalidator? It is a person who puts other people down, insults them in public, disregards their opinions, does not listen, let’s their own ego try to control the other person, is emotionally manipulative, or negates their feelings. Not a pretty picture is it? Invalidators are everywhere: in homes, the classroom, the boardroom, on the golf coarse, and the bedroom. I have had the fortune (and misfortune) to have had several invalidators in my life. It isn’t fun and they give you the opportunity to hide under a rock, lock yourself in the closet, fight back, give up, and run. I have done all of the above. How do you know if you work with (or for), live with or just hang out with an invalidator? Here are a few clues:

1. They interrupt you a lot.

2. They ignore or don’t really care about your feelings.

3. They say things like: you should, you never, you always, you don’t, you owe me.

4. They say don’t you ….rather than do you.

5. They don’t listen to you.

6. They are so wrapped up in themselves that you don’t really exist.

7. They are only concerned about their own needs and don’t give a rip about yours.

8. They communicate things like: what will people think, you make me angry.

9. They also can be heard saying: How could you do that to me, See what you
made me do, it is your fault, If you really loved me you would……, why can’t
you be more like……., I expect you to…,

There is a lot more but I am sure you can now identify if you are an invalidator or if you have one in your life. Here are a few things you can do if you have one in your life.

1. Change them. (Good luck)

2. Accept their behavior. (it most likely will never change)

3. Leave.

4. Get yourself, them or both of you into therapy.

5. Record your conversations and p[lay them back.

6. Read the book, Nasty People by Jay Carter. Check out my website for it.

7. Have a signal you can use every time the other person invalidates you. For
example, whenever they interrupt you can tap their forehead(just made that up)

8. Ask a third part to act as an observer. Whenever the other person invalidates you, the observer can tell the other person.

9. Develop some rules of behavior in the relationship.

10. Share this e mail tip with them and ask them what they think. Ask them if they feel they are an invalidator.

11. You can respond to their statements with things like: I am sorry you feel I should have acted differently, It might not be acceptable to you, but I have chosen to do it.

The key here is to not take personal ownership of the other person’s opinions, values, criticisms or judgments.