2. Top 12 Things Not To Say To A Cop who has pulled you over:
l. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning
too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son... Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes
looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and
apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent
we can be in our logic. For example: Reasons Not To Wash
1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone
else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is
best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the
summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time
21 Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts
so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how
old are you?"
"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm
sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and
you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't
hurt!"
Are you worried about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you
practice the following clinically proven methods:
Never Exercise - Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
Eat Anything You Want - Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a
balanced diet isn't likely to.
Gain Weight - Work hard at staying at least 25% over your recommended
weight.
Take Plenty of Stimulants - The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar,
and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
Avoid Relaxation Practices - Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation,
yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The
'perpetual work' ethic is good for staying stressed.
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad
attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that
weren't curses were to say the least, rude.
Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things
and words, playing soft music... anything she could think of. Nothing
worked.
She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the
bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put
the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.
For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and
screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened
that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer
door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:
"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I
ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure
it will never happen again."
Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to
ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the
chicken did?"
